Masticate this!

1.
2 Killed After Walking in Front of Train
Walked in front of train in 1987, killed by thugs yesterday.
2.
Rescuers Look for Boy Who Fell Off Boat
Spent some time looking for boy who didn't fall off boat, but now that he's been found, switched focus of search.
3.
Grains, Soybeans Retreat
Following an unexpected tactical move by cattle.
4.
Tyson Earnings Slump in Second Quarter
Biting, rape history finally sinks into battered brains of boxing community.
5.
Workers Around World Rally on May Day
Wrap brightly colored ribbons around pole in massive exhibition of gayness.
6.
Roger Waters Completes Long-Awaited Opera
Long awaited by 12 guys living in basements.
7.
Kris Kristofferson Honored for Careeer
Excluding role in Milennium.
8.
Report Calls for Clampdown on Prison Sex
Offers few suggestions for coming between Bubba and his bitch.