North Face Ten

1. Government Issues 12 New Food Pyramids
Encouraging people to consume 12 times the food considered win-win for food industries as well as gluttonous public that can't get enough of anything

2. Jurors See Photos From Past Jackson Case
Trying to figure out if same guy is on trial

3. We need cure for 'senioritis,' governors say
Begin preliminary look into plan that involves picking up trash and getting free buckets of chicken from KFC.

4. Illegal Immigration Policy Is at Crossroads in Senate
Those same foreigners you have stoked your constituents up against for the last four years also halving the price of your consumer goods.

5. White Smoke, Bells Signal New Pope Elected
White smokers, bell signals impending business for Pronto.

6. Nothing will be left to chance in Discovery's launch: NASA chief
Single most boring event in science just got boringer.

7. Doctors Warn Against Obesity in Toddlers
Warn in particular again such junk foods as pizza, fries.

8. La. Psychologists Begin Prescribing Drugs
Rather than their traditional remedies, which usually involve cousins, crawdads, chickens, or the full moon.

9. New Pope Appears, Asks World for Prayers
In for two hours, already running out of ideas

10. Accuser's Mom Says Jackson Fooled the World
Accuser's Mom Reminded that Rest of World Didn't Let Their Kids Spend Night with Man Who Owns Bones of Elephant Man