Twelve Too Far, Too Deep

1. Cardinals Meet to Prepare for Papal Vote
Things looking up for dark horse Ozzy Smith.

2. Four GIs Killed in Attacks Across Iraq
Three enlisted men and a mysterious special operative known only as "Snake Eyes"

3. Beijing Tells Vatican Not to 'Interfere'
They can keep peasent masses supressed just fine on their own.

4. Kyrgyz Parliament Fails to Reach Quorum
Faction of Trident-Wielders and Guardians of Sacred Giant Clam Shell said to be last-minute holdouts

5. Rain Causes Delaware River to Overflow
Descendent of our George Washington crosses river in shopping cart

6. Castro Praises Pope for Backing Peace
Castral Praises Pope for Riding in Limo

7. Chain Store Sales Fall Last Week of March
Chain Smoker Falls During Last Few Feet of March

8. Tim McGraw Named Spokesperson For Red Cross Blood Drive
To kick off "Red-Blooded American" Donation Campaign.

9. Howard Dean to Speak to Ark. Democrats
Meeting planned in room 218 of Little Rock Super 8.

10. New Cotton Fabric May Absorb Toxins
It is Mixdorf's underwear.

11. Experts Find 41 Saltworks Used by Mayans
Unearth skeletel remains of3,600-year old Mr. Peanut.

12. NASA Turns to Mexican Lake for Clues to Alien Life
Search for earthbound "illegal aliens" much cheaper