Gary Seven

1. Intel Sees Mobile Broadband Starting in 2006
AT-ATs understandably nervous about prospect network of mobile cables.

2. Republicans to Go on Offensive Over Judges
If implying zealots should shoot the judges isn't already considered "going on the offensive"

3. U.S. Has Freed Foreign Murderers Under Loophole
And domestic murderers Plastic-Man and The Schmoo THROUGH loophole.

4. Rice Plays Down Iran Nuclear Threat
"The smoking gun being a mushroom cloud wouldn't really big all that big of a deal."

5. Rare baby aye-aye hand-reared in British zoo
This one, like all others of his kind, will be highly sought after in the shipping industry.

6. Wild pigs run amok in Bulgarian town
Double-faced citizenry forced to climb atop pommel-horses and uneven bars to escape.

7. Fiery Terror in Baghdad
Occupation has awakened a Balrog.