8 Night Headlines

1. Pilgrims Flood Rome for Pope's Funeral
Find it easier to get there in Nina, Pinta, & Santa Maria.

2. Saddam Sees Kurd Elected As President
4 Months After Everyone Else Sees Turd Elected as President

3. Anna's Accused Stalker Unfit
Stalks only in areas of city where he can navigate his Little Rascal.

4. In Mexico, burying soldiers killed in a U.S. war
Tragic Results of "Army of Juan" Campaign

5. Dell CEO Denies Growth Decline
Vows to Never let E.M Escher Prepare Visual Aids for Board Meetings Again

6. Experts: Fossil Apparently Human Ancestor
Millions of Years Ago, Our Forefathers Roamed the Earth as Crumbly, Calcified Femurs.

7. Lab Uses X-Ray to Study Nuclear Explosions
Researcher Extra Careful in Laying Lead-Lined Cover Across His Crank

8. U.S. Focusing on Disease Spread Through Air Travel
Offers Free Screenings for Those Wishing to Enter "Mile High Club"