For Heaven, Eleven

1. George Takei Discloses His Homosexuality
Reveals KSTP photo op for what it really was - chance to feel Dan up.
2. Jackson Sunbathing Video Hits Internet
Sunbathing offers opportunity to return to his roots.
3.Microbe and Machine Merged to Create First 'Cellborg'
Scientist feels pang of regret, vows we will rue the day.
4. La. Gov. Blamed for Slow Removal of Bodies
She's working as fast as she can!
5. St. Louis' Arch to Ring in 40th Year
To be used in world record croquet match.
6. MIT Fires Professor, Alleges Bogus Research
Suzy Bogus, with no scientific merit whatsoever.
7. Spector loses key court ruling
Namely the right to wear the chains he forged in life.
8. Prosecutor Seeks DeLay Associates' E-Mails
Looking for the one where the guy woke up in a bathtub filled with ice missing his kidneys.
9. Shiites to Stay Together to Contest Ballot
Thanks to Al Green.
10. Britain's royal newlyweds to mix pleasure, diplomacy in US
Plan on some heavy petting during state dinners.
11. Wilma May Be Mexico's Costliest Disaster
Forgetting their conquest by Spain.

Not at all fatTEN ing

1. Lawmakers Urge Gas Drilling in Fla.
Very confident of prospects in Shell station parking lot.
2. A Chronicle of Miers' 25 Days As a Nominee
A map of which would resemble that of Billy from Family Circus, had he toured the senate office building. Her dead grandparents did not appear publicly.
3. O'Connor in the Middle of Some Big Cases
Cases of wine, drunk off her ass.
4. Bush Gives Upbeat Assessment in Florida
More perky than Ricky Martin.
5. Texas Oilman Pleads Not Guilty in Probe
Of Shell station parking lot.
6. Israeli Missiles in Gaza Kill Militant
Just there stretching their legs, ran into him.
7. Robots May Allow Surgery in Space
Getting patients there very expensive.
8. Mars to Swing Close to Earth This Weekend
Gravity of Mars likely to suck the unwitting into space.
9. Heavy drinking may harm male hormones, sperm
But with lowered expectations, have more opportunities.
10. Panel Recommends Whooping Cough Vaccine
Whooping cranes recommend giving them some fish.

EnlighTENing

1. Chisox Win First World Series Since 1917
Shoeless Joe finally allowed to leave Iowa cornfield.
2. Rosa Parks: A Woman of Substance
No longer.
3. Zeta-Jones Dishes on Life As Working Mom
Including army of nannies and other servants.
4. Clinton Accusers Tour His Library
Looking for books to burn.
5. Burned Body Found in Miss. Is Ill. Student
So ill he's dead.
(note: why is it that journalists are still avoiding the two letter postal abbreviations? We learned those in elementary school, 25 freaking years ago)
6. Software helping insurers plan for terrorist attacks
Large number of websites devoted to bomb shelters, foraging off the land.
7. The word of God, on iPod
MP3 player filled with mostly worship and praise music, some ACDC.
8. Senate Votes Down Heating Aid Increase
Poor people really need to get a lobbyist.
9. New DNA Map Will Help Find Bad Genes
Old ears will help you find Bad Religion, Bad Company.
10. Skin, Hair, and Nails
All good.

Twelve

1. Some Europeans Aren't Fans of Halloween
Particularly the terrified citizens of Transylvania

2. Federal Reserve Nominee's Difference Is One of Style
All the same, his high-heels and whorish makeup is upsetting to more than a few at the Federal Treasury

3. Taking Aim at Oil's Riches
Shortly before being encouraged by relatives, "Jed, move away from there!"

4. A Deadly Surge
Then authorities working feverishly to remove smile from face.

5. Stern Replacements Confirmed
They confirm respective appointments with slight frown, curt nod

6. Full-court press
Autobiography of Dr. Tom Davis

7. Analysts Warn of Effects of Iraq Civil War
Of particular concern are the legions of nerdy re-enactors and boring documentaries that would surely follow in the 2100s.

8. U.S. Says Attacks Kill Taliban Rebels
Vow to change from current tactics which involve handshakes, humping

9. Janet Jackson Denies Having 'Secret Child'
Brother to give no such assurances.

10. Kidder Recalls Vietnam With 'Detachment'
Then adds, "Nah, man, I'm just shitting you. It consumes me."

11. Five good reasons to stay home on Halloween
Gulp...I get your point!

Thirteen

1. Bush Tries to Revive Support for Iraq War
Calls on Dr. Frankenstein.
2. IRS Says Unclaimed Tax Refunds Total $73M
Otherwise known as a rounding error.
3. Luxury Waterfront Real Estate Specialist Launches New Luxury Real Estate Blog To Build On Already Successful Luxury Waterfront Real Estate Brand
Can't imagine what this is all about.
4. Iraq Qaeda says holding 2 Morocco embassy staff-Web
Giant spiders recruited.
5. Uproar as Canberra choses "Cup Day" to introduce sercet police bill
"Cup Day" actually to protect police balls.
6. Mora: Atlanta Defense Still Needs Work
140 years after Sherman burned the place down.
7. Nintendo licenses writing recognition system
Let's hope they avoid a grammar recognition system.
8. Bloomberg Says Volunteers Must ID Selves
"Yup, that's me."
9. Death Penalty, Bush Loom in Va. Race
Music to the ears of liberals everywhere.
10. McDonald's to put nutrition facts on packaging
Nutrition facts of packaging may prove more encouraging.
11. Wal-Mart vows changes in health care, environment
All for the worse.
12. "Don't panic over bird flu," say top officials
Who's secretly hoarding 50 doses of Tamiflu for himself.
13. Bladder Cancer Test Looks Promising
Smells like cat piss.

Eleven

1. What Rosa Parks Gave America
Inadvertantly, P Diddy.
2. Bush's Pick for State Post Criticized
At this point Bush's pick for fence post would be criticized.
3. Parks' Legacy Challenges New Generation
That of Pepsi drinkers.
4. N.J. Issues Curfew for Sex Offenders
Keeping pedophiles off the street after dark may not make much difference.
5. Haggard Tourists Battle to Leave Cancun
Hagar, tourist, battles to leave everywhere.
6. Mighty Waves From Wilma Transform Havana
Into Venice.
7. South Africa Targets 'Despicable' Hunting
Warner Brothers cartoons featuring Daffy Duck, Elmer Fudd and Bugs now outlawed.
8. Conservative Anglicans meet as rift threatens church
Regret building sanctuary on geological fault line.
9. Panel Backs Women on Japanese Throne
Especially if she's naked and hot.
10. Ohio War Veteran Running for Senate
Ohio's long running battle with Kentucky little known outside those two states.
11. Negotiators on Torture Bill Feeling Heat
Also missing fingernails. Bill not signed yet.

Nine

1. Nigeria Seeks U.S. Help in Jet Crash Probe
Nigerians obviously watching a lot more JAG than CSPAN.

2. Slain Wife of Attorney Stabbed in Abdomen
Embalming fluid splatters everywhere. This is really not her week.

3. Businesses Asked to Fund Governor's Trip to China
Schwarzenegger to press secretary, "You released WHAT to the media??? Oh, well, fuck it. I'll schedule my own indictment right now and save everybody a lot of time."

4. Boys will be boys, even when they're cheerleaders
Looking up at all the times you would expect.

5. DAKOTA COUNTY
The future of a combined North Dakota and South Dakota, if they don't shape up.

6. AGAINSTALLODDS
Phil Collins sentencing to follow shortly after Sting and Iraqi man.

7. Miles powers Blazers past Raptors (AP)
Alas, only if some day he is one day driving Portland's team bus.
(is Miles going to see this???)

8. Garrity's buzzer-beater lifts Magic (AP)
In a way that winning could never do.

9. Kyrgyz Protests Enter Third Day
Many signs having been now been replaced by tridents, the slap, slap of their flappy feet echo endlessly outside the shell-encrusted hall of the Great Pearl Goddess.

Eight

1. Fort Lauderdale Damage Worst in 55 Years
TKE class of 50 really knew how to party.
2. Wilma pummels Florida
God still not convinced Floridians should be allowed to vote.
3. Iraqi-Born Man Sentenced After Sting
Sting convicted on three charges of first degree selling out.
4. Man Sought in Fatal Car Wreck Captured
Apparently by The Ghostbusters.
5. A textiles boom gives jobs to India's poor
Along with wicked bad arthritis.
6. Review: Buffalo AirStation Turbo G High Power Wireless Router
With a name like that it better be good.
7. Texas Instruments quarterly profit rises
Sales of TI-35 calculators to high schoolers at all time high.
8. Nextel Partners Holders Vote to Force Sale
Jedi partners use force to tote droids.

Ten

1. Fitzgerald Must Broaden Investigation
And by that, we mean add more broads.
2. Bush Picks Bernanke As New Fed Chairman
Close resemblance to outgoing chairman sparks Weekend at Bernankes comments.
3. U.S. Army MASH Unit Rolls Into Pakistan
Critically acclaimed hilarity ensues.
4. Pound stays steady
Oh YEAH! Oh YEAH! Goooooosh!
5. 'Goodfellas' Said Best Film of All Time
By Tony 'The Weasel' Cacciatore.
6. Creators of 'Urinetown' Unveil New Musical - Set in the Primordial Goo
Of Shitville.
7. Dallas Diocese: Miers Not a Catholic
Rest of U.S. - who asked?
8. House Bill Puts One Million Infants and Children at Risk of Losing Health Coverage
Republican led House considers putting babies on the menu in cafeteria.
9. Accidental Invention Points to End of Light Bulbs
Scientists accidental consumption creates florescent cock, and it's always pointing.
10. Galapagos tortoises unhurt by volcanic lava
That shell kicks ass.