For Heaven, Eleven

1. George Takei Discloses His Homosexuality
Reveals KSTP photo op for what it really was - chance to feel Dan up.
2. Jackson Sunbathing Video Hits Internet
Sunbathing offers opportunity to return to his roots.
3.Microbe and Machine Merged to Create First 'Cellborg'
Scientist feels pang of regret, vows we will rue the day.
4. La. Gov. Blamed for Slow Removal of Bodies
She's working as fast as she can!
5. St. Louis' Arch to Ring in 40th Year
To be used in world record croquet match.
6. MIT Fires Professor, Alleges Bogus Research
Suzy Bogus, with no scientific merit whatsoever.
7. Spector loses key court ruling
Namely the right to wear the chains he forged in life.
8. Prosecutor Seeks DeLay Associates' E-Mails
Looking for the one where the guy woke up in a bathtub filled with ice missing his kidneys.
9. Shiites to Stay Together to Contest Ballot
Thanks to Al Green.
10. Britain's royal newlyweds to mix pleasure, diplomacy in US
Plan on some heavy petting during state dinners.
11. Wilma May Be Mexico's Costliest Disaster
Forgetting their conquest by Spain.