Twelve

1. Some Europeans Aren't Fans of Halloween
Particularly the terrified citizens of Transylvania

2. Federal Reserve Nominee's Difference Is One of Style
All the same, his high-heels and whorish makeup is upsetting to more than a few at the Federal Treasury

3. Taking Aim at Oil's Riches
Shortly before being encouraged by relatives, "Jed, move away from there!"

4. A Deadly Surge
Then authorities working feverishly to remove smile from face.

5. Stern Replacements Confirmed
They confirm respective appointments with slight frown, curt nod

6. Full-court press
Autobiography of Dr. Tom Davis

7. Analysts Warn of Effects of Iraq Civil War
Of particular concern are the legions of nerdy re-enactors and boring documentaries that would surely follow in the 2100s.

8. U.S. Says Attacks Kill Taliban Rebels
Vow to change from current tactics which involve handshakes, humping

9. Janet Jackson Denies Having 'Secret Child'
Brother to give no such assurances.

10. Kidder Recalls Vietnam With 'Detachment'
Then adds, "Nah, man, I'm just shitting you. It consumes me."

11. Five good reasons to stay home on Halloween
Gulp...I get your point!