Eight for the powerless

1. Sony, SanDisk announce smaller Memory Stick card -
Only 256K. No idea why they made this decision.
2. Solar Eclipse Oct. 3 for Europe, Asia, Africa
Another example of which side God is on.
3. Cheaper Meat Doesn't Equal Happier Meals - Report
Bigger meat, in contrast, does often lead to greater happiness.
4. Doctor Advises Wilson to Rest Her Voice
Needs to hold on, for just one more day.
5. Wizards' Coach Speaks of 'Pitfalls'
And in and English voice adds, 'By Activision'.
6. Cheney Returns to Work With a Cane
Equipped with switch-blade dagger and poison gas.
7. State Dept.: Japan Beef Ban 'Inexplicable'
Burundi, of course, concurs.
8. Biologists Observe Gorillas Using Tools
Trying to create catapult for launching of nosy biologists.

Doing my part during these troubled times.

1. Iraq's First Female Suicide Bomber Strikes
Unlikely that she will strike again.
2. Durable Goods See Biggest Rise in 3 Months
Especially those that float.
3. Negroponte Says Terror Database Is Working
Just added first Iraqi female suicide bomber.
4. Outlook positive for greenback
Not so good for Mossyback, who appears to have been poisoned after drinking questionable fluid.
5. Wall Street seen firmer
Recently paved.
6. Putin scoffs at notion of 3rd term
Plans to be named Tsar long before that.
7. Sheep lovers going naked at Australian embassies
Doing nothing for the already tarnished reputation of sheep lovers.
8. Stones' Album to Come on Memory Card
Should help on world tour.
9. Correction: Art-Censorship Story
Not Fart-Censorship Story.
10. First photos of giant squid show it very active
And quite a ham.

Speckled Ten

1. Brown Shifts Blame for Katrina Response
Squarely onto the shoulders of Fedex. Claims they would have gotten it there by 8:30am.
2. GOP Presses Dems on Second Court Nominee
Second nominee urges them to stop, though his entreaties were muffled.
3. Monster Mold Threatens Health in the South
Monster Mash a threat to no one.
4. Nearly 6,000 Docs Displaced by Katrina
No telling how many docks.
5. U.S. Forces Leaving Base in Uzbekistan
Retreating to relative security of Kamchatka.
6. Coffin begins speaking tour amid tight security and student skepticism
Raises lid, says 'zallright'.
7. Pamela Wants Fan Restrained
Judge urges her to 'just turn it to low you stupid crank'.
8. More Than 100 Changes Made to Golf Rules
None likely to make it worth watching.
9. Postal Service Expects $2B Deficit in '06
Blames Brown.
10. Obese women face greater multiple myeloma risk
Fat chicks face greater imalona risk.

Epic Nine

1. Small, Rural Towns Hit Hardest by Rita
Floozy blows into town, tempting and teasing, and just like that is gone, leaving the locals to return to their limited choices, now painfully aware of the larger world outside.
2. Eighteen-month-old runs over family
Speaking in a proper English accent and exhibiting an enormous vocabulary.
3. Frist Denies Wrongdoing in Stock Sale
Thus it begins, with the denial. Look for future installments including hedging, admission, regret and a retreat into obscurity.
4. Trial postponed for retired judge accused of masturbating in court
He needs another minute.
5. Australia to impose "draconian" anti-terror laws
Apparently perpetrators to be fed to dragons.
6. Bollywood and Mr Bean battle it out in Afghanistan
Hilarity ensues.
7. Shipbuilder Told to Stop Using Woods' Name
From now on will build boats of 'that stuff from trees'
8. Weis Uses Play Called by 10-Year-Old Boy
Learned it at Notre Dame.
9. Google to Remove Boast About Index Size
Acknowledging that it's not the size that matters.

Tenerator Power

1. Center-Right Wins Poland Election
Center Robinson Wins San Antonio Election

2. Iran Official Blasts IAEA Resolution
Wickes Furniture Official Blasts IKEA Resolution

3. Paper: Getty Bought From Suspected Looters
But what organized crime really dreamed of was getting him behind the wheel of the getaway car

4. Two Sisters Recount the Horror of Bus Fire
Clean cut white reporter from the suburbs can't make heads or tails of it

5. Faulty Body Armor May Have Endangered Bush
It was intended to be installed on the Cheney Unit

6. Philly Cardinal Acknowledges Pain of Abuse
Imagine being in a pennant race against yourself

7. Governor's Initiatives Go It Alone
Swimming desperately through intern's fallopian tube

8. 'It wasn't bad' for some who stayed behind
They worked at Deere's, the credit union, or as waiters at Shagnasty's

9. Obesity alone not linked to fatal heart attacks
Key is obesity plus autonomic body functions

10. More Obese Seniors Choose Gastric-Bypass
Over gastric soaking

Seven to sneeze at.

1. Naomi Campbell Defends Kate Moss
From hapless blind ninjas.
2. Japan Panel Discusses Safety of U.S. Beef
Burundi volunteers for taste test.
3. New Books on Blair Make Blunt Appraisal
"Bloody wanker".
4. Laura Bush Gala Aims to Restock Libraries
Replacing those books burned by her supporters.
5. McCain: Prisoner Abuse Hurts U.S. Image
Does wonders for the prisoners.
6. Scientists Conduct Wind Energy Projects
Fancy talk for lighting their own farts.
7. Inflammatory Bowel Disease
Has to sound worse than it is.