Epic Nine

1. Small, Rural Towns Hit Hardest by Rita
Floozy blows into town, tempting and teasing, and just like that is gone, leaving the locals to return to their limited choices, now painfully aware of the larger world outside.
2. Eighteen-month-old runs over family
Speaking in a proper English accent and exhibiting an enormous vocabulary.
3. Frist Denies Wrongdoing in Stock Sale
Thus it begins, with the denial. Look for future installments including hedging, admission, regret and a retreat into obscurity.
4. Trial postponed for retired judge accused of masturbating in court
He needs another minute.
5. Australia to impose "draconian" anti-terror laws
Apparently perpetrators to be fed to dragons.
6. Bollywood and Mr Bean battle it out in Afghanistan
Hilarity ensues.
7. Shipbuilder Told to Stop Using Woods' Name
From now on will build boats of 'that stuff from trees'
8. Weis Uses Play Called by 10-Year-Old Boy
Learned it at Notre Dame.
9. Google to Remove Boast About Index Size
Acknowledging that it's not the size that matters.