Power Outnine

1. Yushchenko Forms Alliance With Enemy
Has been promised governorship over Ukraine when Dark Lord rules the world

2. Houston-Area Residents Flee As Rita Nears
She has a black turtleneck, horn-rimmed glasses, and an issue of "Lavendar."

3. Disabled Airliner Creates a 3-Hour Drama in Skies
Ambitious, retarded airliner creates miniseries expected to be not quite as good as one made by senile monkey, but slightly better than ABC's "Invasion."

4. Nursing care lax at vets home
But then, everything is a lax at the vets home

5. Benefactor criticizes pro-Kelly group
Stream of spiteful profanities from disembodied, generous, god-like entity pretty much puts the nail in Kelly's political coffin

6. Jayhawks have the wings to soar
Unexpectedly crossing the line into bald-faced, bio-mutational engineering before Duke.

7. Vick questionable for Bills game (AP)
According to Vick, anyway. Translation: Vick has some questions about the Bills game.

8. USA: Senate pressures Japan over beef ban
Secretly, they just want to hear if Japanese diplomat sounds like Nute Gunray when he says, "Senate"

9. Storm forces NASA to pass space station control to Russia
Russia already at work installing evil ninja hordes, metal-mouths, and shark pools.
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