Seven Castaways

1. $200 million pledged to Clinton's initiative
Major manufacturers of women's blouses subsidized to replace front buttons with velcro.

2. Groups Challenge Abstinence Curriculum
Go at it right on the classroom floor

3. Health Tip: Make Your Stairs Safer
Have them lead somewhere, such as an upper level

4. Anti-cancer compound found in beans, nuts, cereals
Rendering the cause of testicular cancer a complete mystery

5. Suffer, little children: Katrina's smallest victims face long-term problems
Bush doesn't realize microphone is on for first half of first sentence of last night's speech to nation

6. Dolphins Lost During Hurricane Rescued
Rescued from dangers of the open sea, now safely back within confines of plexiglass aquarium

7. Sweden Gears Up to Celebrate Garbo's 100th
Residents preparing to strip naked, cling from their ceiling fans, and smear shit-circles around their eyes