Wednesday Morning, 11 a.m.

1. Man Ordered to Stay Away From Aniston
A somewhat belated and curious 11th Commandment

2. B.B. King looks back at 80 years of blues
Considers Zoloft

3. Fox Reality adds news show to lineup
Still waiting on Fox News to add Reality

4. Pa. Screening Schoolchildren for Obesity
If they don't fit behind screen, they're obese

5. Fossils reveal flying prehistoric giants
Burns in brain found among fossils of ground dwellers who must've chanced to look up their tunics from below.

6. Petro-Canada puts Syrian assets on the block
Petro Fleming sells syringe assets on another block

7. Scientists Reconsider Habitability of Saturn's Moon
Along with pretty much anyone else of intellect, conscience.

8. Sprint Customers Get Sirius
Whereabouts of disembodied Harry Potter father figure now determined to be wireless etherworld.

9. All Eyes on Crosby at First NHL Practice
He's doing that routine about flushing Rudi down the toilet again

10. Francis Skates Away After 23 NHL Seasons
Splitting the carpet right down to the pad and leaving a trail of sparks down 11th Avenue.

11. Fla. Coach Happy to Be Back Behind Bench
Can tell who's ready to go in the game by how much their buttocks are quivering.