In a Bind, Because I'm Writin Nine, But I'm Willin to make a Deal

1. Michael Recruits Pals for Relief Song
Sends "recruiters" to sets of Sesame Street, Barney.

2. Louisiana towns rebound, death toll rises
Zombies now occupying variety of service and labor positions.

3. Many women fail to get regular mammograms
Are getting fake, perverted ones.

4. Protein diet plus exercise equals more weight loss
ANYTHING plus exercise equals more weight loss. That, unfortunately, is the problem.

5. China police bust fake Viagra gang
Gang member absent-mindedly sticks cucumber in BACK of his pants.

6. Aspirin Might Counter Side Effects of Cox-2 Painkillers
Cox-2 developed as aspirin alternative.

7. Experts: Headphones Worsen Hearing Loss
Effects lessened by prying one earpiece off and saying, "Huh?"

8. Years of Research Ruined in Katrina Flood
New Orleans had been used as control in "flood-free cities" study.

9. Black Hole Lurks in Invisible Galaxy
Posing imminent treat to planet of Unicorns
to planet of Unicorns