Suicidal Elevensies

1. Roberts Vows to Judge Cases by Rule of Law
Disavows earlier use of Magic Eight Ball.
2. Winemakers try to appeal to younger, hip crowd
Bartels and James come out of retirement.
3. Afghans Urged to Back Honest Candidates
US citizens not.
4. Bonds Nearly Homers in Season Debut
Lack of steroids has immediate impact.
5. Analysis Sees Deficits Growing Under Bush
Both moral and fiscal.
6. Point May Be Oldest Idaho Human Artifact
Far older than line found previously.
7. Japanese Space Probe Reaches Asteroid
Shoots it, breaking it in half.
8. Genes Show Signs Brain Still Evolving
Though does not seem to be true in all people.
9. Scientists find growing land bulge in Oregon
Actually Paul Bunyan in the midst of an erotic dream.
10. Researchers Find No Obesity, Sprawl Link
Except among individuals.
11. New Orleans Airport, Waterfront to Reopen
Waterfront newly expanded.