Swelleven

1. Japanese scientists create microscopic noodle bowl
Only 16% of daily allowance of sodium.
2. Yahoo CEO says company is not 'under siege'
Despite chants of 'GROND' clearly heard in background.
3. Chief of staff: Army reviewing complaints over bullets
Those affected suffer range of issues, up to and including death.
4. Texas town's immigrant-renting rule is struck down
Will now be required to lease them.
5. Minnesota motivational speaker faces charges
Emotionless delivery and bland platitudes not very motivational.
6. Woman whose car struck Bullock's SUV pleads guilty
"If running into celebrity's cars is wrong, then I don't want to be right!"
7. UN council to tackle Sudan, Somalia on Africa trip
Coach recommends going for the legs.
8. Canada reopens its "most disgraceful" act
Clogged toilet simply demanded a response.
9. Blog Gives Women Power Over Harassment
99% of comments deleted.
10. Toilet pump loaded aboard space shuttle
Canadian astronauts never allowed back into space.
11. DNA Retrieved from 1,000-year-old Vikings
Fran Tarkenton among them.

Eight in the mood

1. UN chief sees Myanmar cooperation on survivors
Apache Chief sees the curvature of the Earth.
2. Agreement may mean end of cable set-top boxes
New rectum shaped adapter makes plugging in more immediate and gratifying.
3. Japan urges limiting kids' cell phones
Can only call to order pizza.
4. Obesity battle among US children may have peaked
They are now very tired.
5. Australian man pardoned 86 years after execution
Ghost says, "thanks for nothing, fuckers."
6. China's Sinosteel examining rival offer for Midwest
Hoping to include parts of Ohio, Colorado.
7. 'Frog-amander' Fossil Fills Evolutionary Gap
Not as popular as Gap Kids and Baby Gap.
8. Environmentally Friendly Bombs Planned
Still bad for people