Ernest BorgNINE

1.
Al-Zarqawi Blamed for Spike in Iraq Deaths
"Booger' blamed for spike in punch.
2.
Burned Qurans Left at Va. Muslim Center
Where they will be taken better care of.
3.
Schiavo Autopsy Fails to Sway Parents
Half-sized brain a family trait.
4.
Defense: Killen was Klansman but not involved in 1964 murders
Prosecution: Killin' is exactly what was involved.
5.
Forest Service Ending Some Recreation Fees
Those for recreational logging and mining.
6.
House Ready to Give Pentagon $45B for Wars
Any wars it wants.
7.
Future Giant Laser Threatened by Cuts
From current medium-sized laser.
8.
Calif. Scientists Plan to Kill Barred Owls
Wait a minute.... those aren't scientists!
9.
Exercise boosts sex life in men with heart failure
Up to a point.

One twelfth of a gross

1.
Specter Calls Gitmo System a 'Crazy Quilt'
Made by crazy ladies at a crazy church.
2.
Calif. Quake Prompts Brief Tsunami Warning
Tom Jones concert prompts tsunami of briefs.
3.
Baltimore Houses Troubled Kids in Offices
Recidivism up to 100% after kids see how 'real' people live.
4.
Man Who Burned Cross Loses W.Va. Election
To man who has sex with animals. A step in the right direction.
5.
Chiron cuts 2005 earnings, dose forecast
Superimposes bar chart, tomorrow's weather behind gloomy forecaster.
6.
Fannie Mae, Freddie Mac Still Have Problems
Tammie Fae, Bernie Mac to star as unlikely friends in new comedy.
7.
Ford Credit fined for misleading promotion
The so called 'A-Plan' don't mean squat.
8.
Report Finds Most 'Canadian' Drug Sites Are Frauds
'Canada' NOT that large landmass north of US.
9.
China's Haier considers Maytag bid
Formerly lonely repairman now looking for some personal space amongst 1.2 billion Chinese.
10.
Eddie Murphy Set to Sing in 'Dreamgirls'
Dream girl has Boogie in the Butt.
11.
'Regis and Kelly' Set Sail for Shows
Encouraged to reunite with old friends Scylla and Charibdes.
12.
New Planet Discovered, Twice Earth's Size
It's coming right at us!

5Eight8-2-300-emPIRE!!!!

1. Genetics may determine who benefits from cancer drugs
Those remorseless enough to kill for them.

2. Scientists Study How to Tell T. Rex's Sex
In female T-Rexes, both forearms are small and useless. In males, this is only the the case with the left one.

3. Obesity, smoking add years to cells' age
And all this time we thought smokers were having leather surgically implanted in their faces.

4. Viagra May Help Kids With Lung Disease
New study released by the Neverland Center for Resear--WAIT A MINUTE!!!!

5. Exercise boosts sex life in men with heart failure
Based on research of Weekend at Bernies

6. Colombia Issues Own 'Most-Wanted' Deck
Notable lack of terrorists; abundance of produce, animal products, and medicine.

7. My Child Is Shoplifting
I'm hoping publishing articles through Reuters will help

8. Heavy Drinking Linked to Variety of Health Woes
Vomiting, headaches, slurred speech

7 for Nigeria

1. Michael Jackson Acquitted of All Charges
Smooth Criminal

2. N.C. Surgeons Unwittingly Used Dirty Tools
Patient whose chest cavity carved open with grape-flavored dildo may never be the same.

3. Jurors Say They Were Bothered by Mother
"We're tryin' to listen to testimony, ma!"

4. More Than a Million in U.S. Live With HIV
More than a trillion in US Live in HIVE

5. Poll: Six in 10 Want Troops to Leave Iraq
"But wanting them to leave is irrelevant," he quickly adds.

6. Destiny's Child to break up after U.S. tour
Only question is whether they will do it right at the Peoria International Airport Lounge, or wait till they get back to the hotel.

7. Paris Hilton Plans to Give Up Public Life
Her career having consisted of internet sex video and staring in "The Simple Life," she wanted to retire at the top of her game.

Four more for the US of A!

Jackson not guilty

No celebration for the Ewoks this time. Video shows thousands of Ewoks fleeing while blocking their bottoms with their hands.


Terror database missing info

Madonna raises an eyebrow.


Senate apologizes for not outlawing lynching

"I thought you meant OUTSOURCING."


Powerful 7.9-magnitude quake shakes Chile


Wendy's has new idea for snack on the go idea.

14's my limit on schnitzengruben

1.
Bush to Meet With Five African Presidents
Doesn't care which ones, they all look alike to him.
2.
NTSB to Study What Led to Mo. Plane Crash
Not surprising since that is their primary reason for existing.
3.
Report: Surgery Tools Washed Improperly
Report: hands washed improperly. Related Report: red punch made improperly.
4.
Indonesia military hunt cars carrying bombs -paper
Now there's a man's sport.
5.
U.S. Toll in Iraq Pushes Past 1,700
Taxpayers to pony up a shit load of dimes.
6.
Gomery inquiry wraps-up with a long list questions that still need answers
Topping that list: why didn't the seargent have you transeferred out of his unit.
Second: where did you get that beautiful singing voice.
7.
Rice Takes to Stage to Aid Ailing Soprano
Tony Soprano - like's the way he operates.
8.
Rapper Mike Jones Hoops It Up for Charity
Rare confluence of Rap music and basketball resonates with young African Americans.
9.
N.Y. 'Daily News' Adopts Transparency Policy in Travel Section
Contacting Wonder Woman about possible use of invisible jet.
10.
U.S. Youth Team Rolling After Upset
Pounding the floor, holding their breath, and flailing their legs wildly. Later calmed with promise of a cookie.
11.
Creamer Moves Up Leaderboard
Really in the ejaculation 'zone'.
12.
Arlene Brought Wind, Rain and Little Else
The bitch.
13.
Obese kids' excess pounds make exercise tough
Makes poking them more fun.
14.
Appetite Loss for Elderly Not a Good Sign
Dry toast and coffee hardly makes a dent in food pyramid.