Saturday Six

Charley Causes 'Significant Loss of Life'
After years of bitterness alone in the chocolate factory, Charley mobilizes his Oompa Loompa army and begins his assault on a world that forgot him.

Conrad Black Loses Bid to Move Lawsuit to Canada
Conrad's bane.

Edwards Defends Kerry From Cheney's Jabs
Veteran wiles of Cheney no match for youth, speed of Edwards

Russian Cargo Craft Docks at Space Station
Vodka all around!

India executes first prisoner for 15 years
Cruel and unusual don't even come close

Taking the Measure of John Kerry
Long. And I mean everything.

Seven it is

Olympic Flame Reaches Famed Acropolis
After 2600 years as symbol of Athens, burns down.

800,000 in Charley's Path Told to Flee
Vietnam vets by the thousands prepared to fight, once again

Court Opens Columbine Killers' Diaries
Like the diaries of most teens, filled with god awful poetry

KB+P Seeking New Buzz In S.F.
Snorting Rice-a-Roni

Friends Defend Accused N.J. Webmaster
With their hit tv show off the air - desperately searching for a cause to get behind

Ants Form Supercolony Spanning 60 Miles
15 yards passing through Jason Bartlett's backyard

India Rethinks Plan to Send Man to Moon
Lucky to send man from Bombay to Calcutta, decide not to push it.

The 7-11 Headlines

1. Bonnie Makes Landfall on Fla. Panhandle
No longer lies over the ocean

2. Calif. Fire Destroys at Least 40 Homes
At this point, authorities can rule out only Cory

3. Cisco Suggests Relaxing, Worrying
Crisco suggests eating handful after handful of greasy fat solids

4. FEATURE: Interactive TV Adds Punch to Viewer Experience
Mixdorf rolls over Nintendo Duck Hunt at 1,000,000

5. Armed Thieves Assault Renowned Kenyan Writer
Get asses kicked and realize, too late, that the pen is mightier than the sword

6. Blaster Maker Faces Slammer
Justice finally served in heinous creation of game with 20 hours of play time and no save feature.

7. Companies Approve New High-Capacity Disc Format
To launch new "cylinder" media concept this fall

7-Layer Headlines

1. Dominican Migrants Panicked on Journey
Rodney Dangerfield's call of "Let's dance!" met with confusion, fear, mayhem

2. Fla. Slayings Suspect Has Criminal Past
Besides just the slayings, that is

3. Perry ends holdout, signs with Cincy
Too late, Dominican Migrants already terrified and fleeing

4. Coors Wins Senate Primary Race in Colo.
Miiler's bid for "President of Beers" going worse than could possibly have been imagined

5. Blue-Eyed, Stripeless White Tiger Is Born
Blue-Eyed, Penniless White Tiger lead singer calls it quits

6. Millions of Locusts Headed for Darfur, Say Experts
An expert by the name of God

7. Dairy Intake Tied to Lower Body Fat in Girls
Dairy references tied to Higher Body Fat in Girls

Mixdorf - 08/11/2004

Iraq's Sadr Urges Men to Fight Even if He Dies
Men look around furtively for escape routes, mumble, ‘sure’

Oil Prices Still Close to Record Highs
Don’t talk as much as they used to, what with family obligations and all.

Ex-Workers Accuse Halliburton of Fraud
Dick Cheney looks back on tenure as CEO, regrets allowing former employees to live.

Anti-Kerry Book Author Sorry for Slurs
Cleft palate has left him a lifelong lisper and difficult to understand

Formerly Conjoined Twins See Each Other
Way too fucking much, even after surgery.

One Dead in Suspected Suicide Blast Near Jerusalem
Shows clearly the failings in the modern suicide bomber schools. Graduates are too stupid to learn even the most basic lessons – it only counts if you blow up at least one other person.

Phone Calls Warns of Bomb on Spanish Beach
Authorities rush to the scene oblivious to subtleties of message. What they discovered, was in fact da bomb, in the person of Luisa Salazar, scantily clad and hotter than the sun.

The first Magnificent Seven

1. Japan Tries to Restore Nuclear Confidence
A mess as populace currently fleeing. Godzilla to make series of PSAs

2. al-Qaida Stays Connected in Number of Ways
Thanks to the new Qwest Choice plan with DSL Deluxe and wireless service .

3. Libya to Pay $35M for Berlin Disco Bomb
George Clinton still considering offer

4. Leak Allowed al-Qaida Suspects to Escape
Guards fell for the old "I've got blood in my urine-I need a doctor!" trick

5. Afghans Announce 18 Election Contenders
Country we heard for months was nearly the size of California strives to emulate in any way possible

6. Veteran Science Submarine to Be Replaced in 2008
Aging Sub tries in vain to prove worthiness by diving to record depth. Ends up trapped on bottom; becomes power source for boiler room of mer-person bubble city.

7. NASA Chief: 'Let's Go Save the Hubble'
Promptly bounds through open door off into the night