4 in the afternoon (w'loo courier style)

Two Forest Service workers emerge from Montana wilderness following fiery plane crash
Both former scouts, couldn't start fire with fiery wreckage - forced to huddle for warmth.

Experts debate competency of alleged murderer
Considered using lead pipe, candlestick, even with knife and revolver available

Bush: Terrorists May Plan More Attacks
No shit.

Oil Prices Climb Despite Gov't Statement
"Don't climb" says government.

Frodo of the Nine Headlines

1. Leaders Focus on Fight Against Poverty
Give selves another raise.

2. Palestinians Kill Three at Army Outpost
Genetic supermen kill three at Starfleet Outpost.

3. Ivan Remnants Return to Gulf of Mexico
Hapless hiker Ivan cosumed by bear & shat into headwaters of the Mississippi.

4. Iraq, U.S. Differ on Prisoner Release
Particularly the Iraqis that are prisoners, and their US captors.

5. Sonics sign Turkish captain, adding veteran leadership
Sinbad, with his extensive history of giant-fighting, almost certainly to be a help versus Western Conference big men.

6. Olson enters 22nd season at Arizona feeling as young as ever
Ala Larry Eustachy.

7. Bush Marks Opening of Indian Museum
Delivers halting, broken-English speech that would have made Sitting Bull proud.

8. Carter Ties U.S. Presence, Iraq Bloodshed
Asks why people of all nations can't just get along, like he did with LeBeau, Schultz, Newkirk.

9. Michael Berresse Wears New Hat as Director of a New Musical About Writing a New Musical, in NY Musical Fest
Starring Phil Collins

Headlines 7 Productivity 0

Future Economic Activity Gauge Falls
Shatters, scattering small springs and bits of metal all over.

Safe Haven for Naked Yoga
Degobah. For naked Yoda it is.

Survey Finds Low Rate of Booster Seat Use
Even lower use of ejector seats.

Canadian Geologists Make Key Dinosaur Discovery
They were all gay.

Antarctic Glaciers Melting Faster -Study
70% of world suffering drought rejoices.

U.S. Nuclear Tests Still Haunt Marshall Islands
Residents seem to be constantly reenacting Dawn of the Dead

Father's Job Plays Role in Birth Defect Risk
Except on Marshall Islands.

6 in the morning

U.S. Cybersecurity Office May Relocate
Not surprisingly - to India

Poll: Having Money Helps With Satisfaction
As does opposable thumbs and an internet connection

'Easy' Money: Lachey Set for Indie Heist Pic
Eddie Money set for main stage at Cattle Congress

NASA Extends Mars Rover Mission 6 Months
Rover disappointed - wanted to check out Venus

Homebound Elderly Hit Hard by Depression
Now and in the 1930's.

Drivers Injured In 4-Horse Collision At Ohio Track
Amish NASCAR not as safe as you think.

Five in the afternoon

Evangelist Swaggart Apologizes for Remark
Takes vow of silence.

SEC to Investigate Lender Fannie Mae
FBI to investigate Minnie Pearl - hat possibly stolen.

RadioShack, Sprint in Mall Kiosk Venture
RadioShack comes clean - only sells mobile phones - everything else is fake.

New Hockey League Plans to Schedule Games
Fans pleased.

Studies: Walking May Ward Off Alzheimer's
Likely too confused to follow you.

L7

1. Jeanne Predicted to Head Back Toward U.S.
"They had those funny little sinks on the floor, all the TV shows were in a different language, dontcha know!"

2. Ore. Man Pleads Guilty in 2 Girls' Deaths
If "The Thing" was guilty of anything, it was loving a little too much at the "Fantastic Four" Convention.

3. North Carolina State hosts eight-team BCA Invitational
Bureau of Criminal Apprehension relieved to be ending decades-long relationship with University of Cincinnati.

4. Iranian Leader Says It Has Nuclear Rights
i.e. Rights that are inalienable, even at the sub-atomic level

5. Advocates Say Deportation Will Harm Ties
Particularly if deportees are transported suspended from giant eagles by their ties.

6. Europe's Car-Laden Cities Ban Cars for Day
Hits Berlin's annual Car-arama particularly hard. They decry Cararama Ban-Laden

7. Syrian Troops Dismantle Camps Near Beirut
Enjoying a Perkins breakfast in Woodbury by 7:45.

If Six was Nine

Injury May Have Led to Red Baron's Death
Unavoidable contact with the ground may have caused injury.

Winslow, Two Other Browns Undergo Surgery
Take advantage of three for the price of two offer at Dr. Nicks

Russia to Help Train South Korean Astronaut by 2007
With no space program, S. Korean astronaut to be shot into space with giant rubberband

Man Shoots Wife, Mistakes Her for Monkey
Dinners for the next week were very awkward.

Investigators Probing Cause Of Woman's Death
Doing their job. Everyday.

Trial opens in translator's death
It was all a misunderstanding.

Nein ich vogen da ruben

House Backs Crack Down on Video Voyeurs
Crack house backs down on Voyeur videos

Australia rules out pre-emptive strikes against Asian anti-terror allies
If you can't attack your allies, who can you attack?

Stars Sign on for Charles Tribute Special
While no longer 'in charge' still a fan favorite.

VP candidates present a contrast in style, substance
Good, evil

'Appalling' M&S sales anger its shareholders
'Appealing' M&M's sales delight its shareholders

Cyclist fails test for blood
Cyclist vampire.

Grin but don't mention the Ashes
Lest you be called 'Sack'.

<>Celine Dion's Show Will Go On And On
Unless her pencil neck snaps first

William Reeves -- eminent virologist
Still running below Mary Worth in Courier comics section

4th and 6 (a Waterloo Courier tribute)

1. Council agrees to allow bigger garages
New garage designs to include plans for interior circle drive, due to Waterloo's epidemic of backing accidents

2. New Hartford resident has documented decades of local history
Actually had to turn page over and use the other side.

3. Tama dentist cited for not practicing proper methods
Not the least of which was getting dental equipment from John Deere

4. Combines starting to roll
That dratted "Maximum Overdrive" asteroid back to its old tricks again

5. Parade - Every Sunday in the Courier
Legendary Grand Marshall, Family Ties' "Skippy," Gets Regular Gig

6. Trek star to film movie in Iowa
Features "beam down" sequence at Bontrager Park

Visibility down to niner, niner...

1. Ex-General Nears Victory in Indonesia Vote
Nevertheless, derided by ex-Generals throughout the 3rd world for going the election route

2. Lesser-known black Minnesota pioneers are the focus of a TPT documentary premiering this week
Entire Sioux nation attacked. White folks wouldn't let them join their circle; they had to make they own

3. Officer Gives Back Mandela's Notebooks
As a result of pressure from one of Bono's lesser-known campaigns

4. Indonesia Questions U.S. Mine Chief
Where is the flag? Where are the bombs, and how many of them???

5. Microsoft Mimics Local Radio
Log on sounds now feature discussions of 'The Apprentice,' wake-up calls, other annoying prattle.

6. Copyright Battle Erups over Open-Source 'Mambo' Code
Users able to hack in, watch "color-toons" any time they want.

7. Glimpse at Swollen Stars Presages Earth's Demise
And spurs painful flashbacks of walking into suite when T-Clog used to leave the bathroom door open

8. Indian Rhino Born at Buffalo Zoo
Buffalo mama has a lot of explaining to do

9. Injuries Are Deadlier for Obese People, Study Says
Except for a punch in the gut, which still is found to have little or no effect.

Ninety nine luft ballons

American Indian Museum Opens With Pomp
Circumstance not available after last night's peyote party.

Lewis & Clark Re-Enactors Face Protests
"You're no Merriwether Lewis!" common complaint.

EPA: 13 Percent of Airliner Water Unsafe
10% of airliner water used for toilets.

Rice Back at Work After Streak Ends
Also clothed.

Woods Drops Out of 84 Lumber Classic
Woods giving too much of itself to lumber.

Sun tries to woo Wall St. firms
Wall Street firms waxing up wings, ready for take-off.

Tenn. Lab Develops Electron Microscope
Using it to look at boobies.

Early Overeating Could Lead to Bulimia Later-Study
Study successfully defines bulimia

Lightbulb Burns for 96 Years
A very old and angry old man has lain beneath it the whole time.

I ate, and now I'm full

Fliers face tighter screening for explosives
Double jeopardy for fat terrorists.

Storms Force Investors to Weigh Insurers
Will finally know truth about insurance fat cats

Flooding Forces Evacuations in 3 States
National Enema Day a rousing success

Honolulu Residents Vote for Mayor
Used to have them hula for the position.

Naturalists Struggle to Save Iran Cheetahs
Just not fast enough.

U.S. Accuses U.N. of Dragging Feet Over Locusts
UN like the soft crunching sound.

Pelvic Exercises Treat Persistent Incontinence
Elvis known to have gone weeks without peeing.

Obese Man Drops More Than 370 Pounds
Crushes midget he didn't notice was standing next to him.