L7

1. Jeanne Predicted to Head Back Toward U.S.
"They had those funny little sinks on the floor, all the TV shows were in a different language, dontcha know!"

2. Ore. Man Pleads Guilty in 2 Girls' Deaths
If "The Thing" was guilty of anything, it was loving a little too much at the "Fantastic Four" Convention.

3. North Carolina State hosts eight-team BCA Invitational
Bureau of Criminal Apprehension relieved to be ending decades-long relationship with University of Cincinnati.

4. Iranian Leader Says It Has Nuclear Rights
i.e. Rights that are inalienable, even at the sub-atomic level

5. Advocates Say Deportation Will Harm Ties
Particularly if deportees are transported suspended from giant eagles by their ties.

6. Europe's Car-Laden Cities Ban Cars for Day
Hits Berlin's annual Car-arama particularly hard. They decry Cararama Ban-Laden

7. Syrian Troops Dismantle Camps Near Beirut
Enjoying a Perkins breakfast in Woodbury by 7:45.