Twelve Ladies Waiting

1. He Has His Walking Points
Three-year old making observation as brother heads off to track wearing spikes.

2. Frogtown community center could result if $25 million is awarded in Salvation Army competition
Unfortunately, continued spiral into urban decay will result in the infinitely more likely scenario that they are NOT awarded $25 million in a Salvation Army competition

3. Mexico Migrant Smugglers Turning to Sea
Problem #1: Where to put it? Problem #2: Who's gonna buy it?

4. Jeanne Slams Into Puerto Rico; 2 Dead
"Ooh! Whoopsy! Sorry 'bout that, dontcha know!"

5. Accused U.S. Deserter in Army Housing
"Christ! Where am I SUPPOSED to sleep?"

6. New Iraq Attacks Are More Sophisticated
Jeep-mounted, automatic shrimp forks.

7. Ex-Cop Accused of Planning Russia Siege
Chief "doesn't approve of his methods"

8. U.S. Accuses Researchers of Animal Abuse
Scientists explain they were studying long-term effects of animal abuse.

9. U.S. Signs Colorado River Protection Pact
Plants to extract harmful pollutant oil from surrounding land.

10. Inventor Develops Nose-Steered Web Surfing System
Seels rights to leading search engine Yachoo!

11. Parents Regret Not Discussing Death with Dying Children
Have told dying children they were in pain, getting weaker because they made Santa Claus mad

12. Blood Test Predicts Odds Against Ovarian Cancer
Elderly bet on it, ironically curing them