The Nine Cannot be Destroyed

1. Employers Urge Workers to Improve Writing
"Or learn about computers or something because you're not gonna be around here much longer," they add.

2. Putin, Citing Terror Threat, Moves to Centralize Power
Moves all forces into Middle East, leaving borders of Siam, Ural, Kamchatka virtually unprotected.

3. 2 Very Different Cures for Healthcare Crisis
Replacing hospitals with factories; building housing developments out on that little southeastern penninsula.

4. U.S. Attacks an Iraqi City With Double-Edged Sword
Uruk-Hai attack Fellowship with, apparently, no-edged sword.

5. Sudan Minister Contests Number of Dead
Eventually collapses under the pile of attacking zombies

6. AP: Israel Sends Experts to Help Russia
Among them Gilligan's Island Professor, Phil Jackson (master of the triangle offense), and that guy that repairs tents at Midwest Mountaineering.

7. Iraqis Plead With U.S. to Return to City
New York City

8. Barrage of Hurricanes May Just Be Florida Normality
Unless you believe in "science"

9. Government Fines University of Phoenix
Further, 2003 graduates order to email back their degrees.