Ingratiate

3 months' worth: What's also coming out this fall
The mother of all shits.

More Mobile White Gives Sooners Options
Players no longer required to huddle near waterboy.

or

Option left, option right

IBM Releases New Linux-Oriented Database Software
Steinway releases new Linus-oriented baby grand

Smelly Robot Eats Flies to Generate Its Own Power
Not even the most cynical sci-fi writer imagined a future this bleak

Light at Night Might Be a Cancer Risk
An anxious nation asks, "Even the soft glow of internet porn?"

Concern fuses with pride as Stryker Brigade heads for Iraq
"Stryker?" 'WHACK'

Kalakala dream foundering in sea of legal woes
Hubba Bubba dream buoyed in seas of sugary goodness

Walkertown drivers want turn signal
Have forgotten that they already have two.