Swelve

NHL Will Lock Out Players on Thursday
Many NHL players will try their keys furiously anyway.

New Orleans Urges People to Take Shelter
Take food, take anything, and go to Nebraska.

Ousted Fla. Election Chief 'Crucified'
Crazy Mel Gibson grinning maniacally.

Factories Bright Spot Amid Output Growth
Doing their best to keep income up, population down.

IMF sees stronger global financial system
EMF sees no future at all.

Best Buy Profit Up, Outlook Bright
Desperately looking for new sites, new paradigms.

Israel Kills 10 People, Says Not Following Roadmap
Map not detailed enough to show difference between sidewalks/roads.

American Indian Museum Stands Out in Washington
One lonely tear falls gently down its face.

Wall-Eye May Have Helped Rembrandt's Vision
May have pissed him off, never painting what he was actually looking at.

Flashlight Takes Batteries of Any Size
Still doesn't work.

Size Matters When It Comes to Nostrils
Especially related to pickin'

Cheeks Replace Damaged Eyes in Japanese Study
Former NBA star has plenty of time on his hands, likes sushi.