Frodo of the Nine Headlines

1. Leaders Focus on Fight Against Poverty
Give selves another raise.

2. Palestinians Kill Three at Army Outpost
Genetic supermen kill three at Starfleet Outpost.

3. Ivan Remnants Return to Gulf of Mexico
Hapless hiker Ivan cosumed by bear & shat into headwaters of the Mississippi.

4. Iraq, U.S. Differ on Prisoner Release
Particularly the Iraqis that are prisoners, and their US captors.

5. Sonics sign Turkish captain, adding veteran leadership
Sinbad, with his extensive history of giant-fighting, almost certainly to be a help versus Western Conference big men.

6. Olson enters 22nd season at Arizona feeling as young as ever
Ala Larry Eustachy.

7. Bush Marks Opening of Indian Museum
Delivers halting, broken-English speech that would have made Sitting Bull proud.

8. Carter Ties U.S. Presence, Iraq Bloodshed
Asks why people of all nations can't just get along, like he did with LeBeau, Schultz, Newkirk.

9. Michael Berresse Wears New Hat as Director of a New Musical About Writing a New Musical, in NY Musical Fest
Starring Phil Collins