S'more

1. Like Obama, McCain devotes a day to women voters
Both very unlike Bill Clinton.
2. Sun's Not Screwy, Scientist Says
To anyone who will listen.
3. Jackson, Miss. mayor says drug fight will continue
Heroin addicts waiting expectantly at edge of town turn away, dejected.
4. Desk rage spoils workplace for many Americans
Not even at work are we safe from assholes.
5. Astronauts handle explosives on daring spacewalk
Completely unnecessary, but dangerous.
6. NASA Sticks a Fork in Mars
At request of painter friend of Lou Reed.

Better eight than never.

1. US agriculture secretary confident meat is safe
Recent crotch grabbing lets him rest assured.
2. Jamie Lynn Spears says motherhood "so much fun"
Lack of job or any other responsibility seen as key.
3. Hospital: `Impossible' to see inside Jolie's room
"Really, we tried everything."
4. Obama silent on reason for visiting building
Just had to crap.
5. Obama says sanctions for Iran while McCain says shield
Shield was the idiosyncratic name of McCain's childhood sled.
6. Seniors Having More Sex Than Ever
And not just on skip day.
7. Most Popular Baby Names Change Dramatically
Methuselah no longer in.
8. NATO sees jump in Pakistan attacks
Kriss Kross not implicated.

Just seven

1. Microsoft wants to negotiate with new Yahoo board
Board to include Clampetts, Cletus, and various Hatfields and McCoys
2. For Better or Worse, Sex in Space Is Inevitable
Despite headline, author offers no examples of worse.
3. Cholesterol drugs recommended for some 8-year-olds
'Big boned' ones.
4. Obama to accept nomination at football stadium
Using Heisman Trophy stance.
5. Palestinian leader meets Islamic Jihad, not Hamas
Awkward silence ensues.
6. Bush summons Canadian leader with a "Yo Harper!"
His jackassery knows no bounds.
7. Most Obnoxious Tourists? The French
Americans vow to redouble efforts.