Managing to eek out 9

1. U.S. Pounds Fallujah As Ramadan Begins
Gus pounds fajitas in Ramada Inn.

2. Kerry Says Bush Plan Could Lead to Draft
As did most of his plans in college

3. Iraq bombing hits home
Very, very bad aim

4. Heat: O'Neal bothered by bad hammy
Team doctors suspect Dennys' "Moons Over My Hammy"

5. Karzai Far Ahead of Rivals in Early Tally
Marsha, Jan Brady pulling in 4% and 2% of the vote, respectively

6. Peacekeepers Roll Through Haitian Capital
Newly self-appointed Emperor of UN "can't believe how easy this is!"

7. Cleric Charged in Jakarta Hotel Attack
Evidence overwhelming, what with the zombies that kept sucker punching people incapacitated by clouds of insects.

8. Peru Seeks Fujimori Extradition From Japan
Calls upon lawyer, Pokemon.

7. Group Following Lewis, Clark Heads to N.D.
Run into traffic jam from 218 other groups retracnig Lewis & Clark expedition

8. Retail Sales Jump But Oil Saps Confidence
Mario jumps, but continued rolling barrels of oil saps confidence.

9. Greenspan says oil price agony milder than in 1970s
Joins Pope for record-setting "Slowest 3-Legged Race Ever" attempt

Eight more

1.
Google Launches PC Hard-Drive Search Tool
How a large number of exciting words can form a really boring sentence.

2.
HHS: More Flu Shots From Abroad Unlikely
Nurses vow to jam needle in your eye if you call them a broad.

3.
Convicted Iowa Drug Kingpin May Get Death
Ditch weed crop bountiful.

4.
Bush Says Debates Highlight His Record
Kerry agrees. The two vow to form comedy team.

5.
U.S. natives ask Paris strip club to stop using Crazy Horse name
Motley Crue wonders why they didn't talk to them first. Anyone?

6.
Edwards Eyes Overturning New Overtime Law
Thinks if he can get enough leverage it'll topple.

7.
Ancient Fossil Is Found on Danish Island
One very happy pastry filled fossil.

8.
Half of Older Adults May Face Weak Bones -Report
All of Enterprise crew did, who cares?

Baker's dozen

1.
A Deep Divide on Domestic Front
Republicans/Democrats battling it out on the streets of America - Republicans, better armed by far, winning easily.

2.
FBI: al-Qaida Operative Used Student Visa
Did not shop at Abercrombie, The GAp, should have been recognized immediately.

3.
Prescription Drug Advocates Bash Amtrak
Need to pick on a service more fucked up than there own to raise esteem.

4.
AP: Report Finds Lavish Spending at TSA
Very low spending in TCA, particularly at ISU in 1991.

5.
Phila. Warns Parents About Baby Smothering
Spokesman: Uhhhh, don't?

6.
Israel, Europe Could Be on Collision Course -Report
Plate tectonics don't lie - of course won't happen for 3 million years.

7.
Gates: Broadcast TV Model Faces Irrelevancy
Wait for it......it will be assimilated.

8.
Brown's Back and Grizzlies Are Happy
Overnight shipments of salmon filets really hit the spot.

9.
Some Undecideds Can't See Knockout Blow
Undecideds may need to be knocked out, woken up November 3rd.

10.
Ecuador Seen Losing Glaciers to Global Warming
And without glaciers, Ecuador's got nothing.

11.
Fossil Hunters Find Sleeping Dinosaur in China
Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.

12.
Program Links Diabetic Kids With Doctors
Not surprising given need for treatement

13.
Man Fights Off Repossessor with Chainsaw
Repossessor 12 opens Friday to mixed reviews.

A tough seven

1.
Seniors Head to Canada for Cheaper Drugs
Skip Day not the innocent day of fishing it used to be.

2.
Report Depicts Chaos at Colo. Prison Riot
Wouldn't be a riot without chaos.

3.
Russia Plans 500-Day Mock Mars Mission
Always easier to mock than to do.

4.
News Corp slashes jobs in printing arm move
Only industrial printing arm could make a slash that big

5.
Japanese police: 9 suicides may be part of Web pact
Japanese urging citizens to search for porn sites as reason to live

6.
Virgin takes on iPod
She didn't realize it was a music player

7.
Kansas files suit
Puts jeans back on.

A Heavenly Seven

1. Austria Honors Anti-Hitler Plotter
Courageous device produced stacks of insulting 34" x 44" caricatures

2. Titans Rout Packers 48-27 at Lambeau
Beer purchased for celebrations down. Beer purchased for drowing sorrows up. Beer sales steady.

3. Gasquet Upset Winner in France
Won despite broken gasquet in Puegot.

4. Seven Die in Japan 'Internet Suicide' Pact
Party beats shit out of one another in multiplayer version of Baldurs Gate II: Shadows of Amn

5. Pioneering NASA Engineer Max Faget Dead at 83
Growing up, science-loving Faget was possibly most-most-made-fun-of kid in history of world.

6. Officials Say Sea Turtles Declining
Sea Turtles had been asked try Sunny Delight

7. Congress Wraps Up Work With Rancor
Threw last of terror suspects down to enormous, phlegmly beast

Eight Days a Week

1. 7-Eleven Adopting Wireless Technology
Armed gunmen now allowed to transfer contents of cash drawer directly to checking account via cell phone

2. Monster Says It Could Enter Japan by Mid-2005
PM Koizumi urges residents: "It's never too early to flee"

3. U.S.-Born 'Enemy Combatant' Flown Home to Saudi
Leader of rebel faction, Quattro, to return to arab host body

4. Oil Extends Record Run, Brent Over $50
Oil magnates' success causes their favorite male prostitute to finally raise rates.

5. Indian Specialist Shot Dead in Brazil
Make rookie mistake: overlooked arrows

6. Terrorism Escalates Worldwide
Evildoers find a way around Department of Homeland Securities' recent attention to stairways, elevators.

7. Sharon Vows Parliament Vote on Gaza Plan on Oct. 25
Vote to inevitably return result: "Not funky in the least"

8. Dollar perks up from Friday's jobs slump
Outline of George Washington's nipples evident through Revolutionary War-era waistcoat

8 in the evening

<>1.
Rumsfeld Visits Baghdad as Blasts Kill Up to 18
Takes advantage of one last chance to employ 'shock and awe'
2.
Sox Finish Off Angels At Fenway
<>Pact with the devil really paying off
<>3.
Rodman Says Bad-Boy Image Hurting Career
Just like lack of jumpshot
4.
Two People Electrocuted at Rivera's Home
Last time they mention Al Capone's vault.
5.
Piracy Bill's Language Protects DVD Movie Filters
Particularly the word 'avast'.
6.
U.S. Warns Americans to Avoid Haiti
Unless you're inclined to looting.
7.
Group: Tigers Live on Bangladesh Border
Too smart to live in Bangladesh
8.
Infant Crying Can Trigger Abuse in Some Parents
Dick parents.