Thirdteen

1. Inmate escapes German jail by mailing himself out in a box -
Warden gives grudging praise for his ability to somehow seal with packing tape.

2. Obama Met With Clinton to Discuss Possible Role
That of a Harpy in new Obama's new blackploitation update to "Clash of the Titans"

3. Motherlode: Does Rewarding Children Backfire?
Yes, if you reward them with real magic wands

4. Obama-McCain: New meeting set to bury campaign ax
If McCain weilds ax like he holds microphone, he'll need vertical slab of wood in which to bury it.

5. Officials: Sen. Clinton eyed as secretary of state
Bill, behind the scenes, urging renewed diplomatic efforts with Sweden

6. New Outlook After Obama's Win
If new, crappy version of Microsoft Outlook had come out BEFORE Obama's win, it may have been the only thing that could have derailed his internet-based campaign.

7. Who Murdered China's Emperor 100 Years Ago?
John McCain

8. Hedge Fund Managers Favor More Transparency
As opposed to John McCain's presidential campaign, which was favoring more transparencies

(sorry...getting on John McCain roll again...)

9. Heart test 'cannot predict risk'
But can 'allow sneak peek of your boobs'

10. Sun Micro to cut up to 6,000 jobs
The tech equivalent of disbanding the Iraqi National Army and sending them home with their guns

11. France in denial?
No, France in deSeine!

12. 'Hoop’ Wins Bike-Rack Design Contest
Is there anything this mysterious, urban, basketball-flinging superhero can't do?

13. Space Plumbers Ready for Shuttle Launching
Oh yeah! (thanks, folks! I'll be here all week)

Assinine

1. Palin says woman on ticket would be good for GOP
Amnesia has wiped out memory of last 12 weeks.
2. A's acquire Holliday from Colorado
Arbor Day.
3. Lohan refers to Obama as `first colored president'
Colored, by god.
4. Police: No evidence of murder on British island
Calling in Hercule Poirot.
5. Cheney, Biden to meet privately at VP residence
Biden emerges strangely hunched, with menacing gravely voice.
6. 18 killed in toy-related incidents
Can't blame Jarts this time.
7. Ice, snow make travel treacherous on Plains
Long for days of rain, even Spain.
8. Brisk Walk Can Curb Chocolate Cravings
Especially if taken with bag of M&M's.
9. Helicopters Collect Whale Snot from Blowholes
In latest incarnation of extreme science.

The Nine

1. Obama arrives for White House tour, talk with Bush
First destination on tour - spot where Bush hides from Cheney.
2. Circuit City files for bankruptcy protection
May have built this City on rock and roll rather than sound financial decisions.
3. Antimatter Eludes Search Efforts
Unexpectedly disappears whenever scientists get close.
4. Study: Wider cholesterol drug use may save lives
May increase likelihood of choking.
5. Obama victory opens door to new black identity
Namely, as 'the man'.
6. Gene Simmons rushes to cash in on rock videogames
Continuing decades long tradition of KISS members whoring themselves out to anyone with spare change.
7. French scientists discover new species of gecko
Has developed puzzling affinity for auto insurance.
8. Smoking Coupled With Obesity Raises Death Risk
Perhaps lessening 'cool' factor.
9. Palin: GOP ticket was too ‘status quo’
Insufficiently mavericky despite unprecedented use of the word.