7

1.
Sources: Expos to Be Renamed Nationals
Barely beat out The Ronald Reagans.
2.
Report: Hunger Vexed 12M Families in 2003
Hocus pocus and poof - their food was gone.
3.
Prosecutor Dramatizes Child Porn Increase
Has sex with Cabbage Patch Kid right in front of the jury.
4.
Help Lines Hear Thanksgiving Horror Tales
Turkeys smarter and more vindictive than previously realized.
5.
Mall Survivor Prayed After Shooting Spree
Earlier that morning prayed while Pop Tart was toasting.
6.
Gates Signs Deal on Software for the Blind
Blind unwittingly getting unsold copies of Windows ME.
7.
Democrats Discuss How to Reset Agenda
Best bet is to turn it off, turn it back on again.

Crazy eights

1.
Clinton Unveils His 'Gift to the Future'
Begins speech with the phrase, 'excuse me while I whip this out.'
2.
For Gay Marriage Ruling, Quiet Anniversary
Unless you live next door.
3.
Sake-soaked Japan set for record flow of Beaujolais Nouveau
Dan Hylton present for opening of new wine season.
4.
U.S. May Have Found Fallujah Militant Base
Blew up the peaceful people of Alderan anyway despite lack of weapons.
5.
QB Peyton Manning Set to Shatter Records
Militant fan of Apple's IPod.
6.
Google Introduces New Research Tool
Develops less subject Field of 64.
7.
Electronic Eye Devised to Help Blind Cross Roads
Still no help for chickens.
8.
Sweden Readies for Space Rocket Launch
Sending ABBA into space at last.

4teen

1. Ohio Finds Possible Double Votes, Counts
State decides to hire out recount. Unfortunately, they hire THE Count, and results won't be in for another 37 years, (after breaks for periodic laughing, thunder claps).

2. Suspect Animal Tested for Mad Cow
It's definitely angry, and it's definitely got horns. But they're still waiting for the scientist-guys to make a final determination.

3. Stocks Are Mixed on Poor Google Forecast
Cold weather in, miniskirts gone for the year

4. AOL Packaging New Security Features
No viruses able to get through prior to downloads timing out

5. Bus Stopped From Falling Off Bridge
Superman was flying faster than a speeding bullet and Apache Chief was saying "Enuk-Chuck" like mad, but it was Zan who got there first and made an ice-bridge.

6 . Amtrak Begins Random ID Checks on Trains
Ends practice immediately upon not finding anyone with driver's license

7. Rating Agencies Get a Credit Check
All, curiously, get A+++

8. Ex-Wal-Mart Exec Pleads Guilty to Kickback
When approached by group of employees wishing to unionize, alledgedly kicked leader in the back.

9. Afghan treasures found
Unforunately, guarded by enormous, jerkily moving ogre.

10. Annika Sorenstam Having a Vijay-Like Year
For some reason, has been introducing a lot of rap videos.

11. Arrival! SMART-1 Moon Probe Reaches Target
Last time they try launching from the parking lot at Kohl's.

12. FDA Official Defends 5 Drugs Questioned at Hearing
For they cannot speak with voices of their own

13. Birth Control Pills May Cut Risk of Knee Injuries
Makes women more likely to have intercourse, less likely to give blow jobs.

14. Too Few Elderly in Cancer Clinical Trials
At the end of them, anyway.

8 in Vain

1.
FDA Is Flexing Less Muscle
But sporting enormous erections.
2.
Specter Aims to Maintain Independent Image
Throws off mortal coil - again.
3.
Fatal Crashes Caused by Animals Increase
Despite evidence showing most damage in front of cars.
4.
Melting Glaciers Threaten World Water Supply
But not world's supply of water.
5.
Greens Paint Grim Picture of Future, Warmer World
Exhibition of storyboards from The Road Warrior.
6.
Ancient Sea Reptiles Gave Birth to Live Young
Learned that eggs just sank to the bottom.
7.
Fire Pit Dated to Be Over 50,000 Years Old
The last time an Eagle Scout successfully started a fire.
8.
Study Links Sleep Deprivation, Obesity
In those that fill all their waking moments with eating rather than masturbation.

9 luft balloons

1.
Spellings Named Education Secretary
The name drips with irony.
2.
Oil-For-Food Panel Won't Hand Over Papers
Except for food - it's all they know how to do.
3.
Texas Schools Scrap 'Cross-Dressing' Day
Worried at least some of the students would end up crucified.
4.
Kmart Buying Sears in $11.5 Billion Deal
KMart will now be filled with tools.
5.
Iraqi PM 'Very Concerned' Over Shooting
After 18 months of this bullshit, he's had it.
6.
Australian crash train was travelling almost twice the speed limit
With a name like that, most locals aren't surprised at what happened.
7.
White House Reacts With Caution to Russia
Don't like that look.
8.
US Supreme Court stops execution of mentally disabled man
One man with a syringe no match for 9 motivated though elderly justices.
9.
Humans Were Born to Run, Scientists Say
Dr. Bruce Springstein.
U.S. Launches Giant Study on Children
Giant CHILDREN! Wait.....oh. Whew, for a second there...

Eight.....ayyyyyy ate.

1.
Charges Dropped Against Playground Shooter
The principal charge was ball-hogging.
2.
Woman Pleads Guilty in Human Smuggling
Smuggled small child for nine months.
3.
Mexico's Ex-Ruling Party Wins Two Races
100m and 200m
4.
Polanski Asks UK Lords to Let Him to Sue from Afar
Their body odor is unbelievable.
5.
Powell Vows to Work Hard Until Departure
Has cleaned desk enough to make place for feet.
6.
Conservationists Meet to Plan Global Green Agenda
Cheney warns that meeting is likely target of al Qaeda.
7.
Study: Posture Able to Communicate Fear
Shaking, hand in mouth obvious clues.
8.
New Hope for Alzheimer's Patients
Everything is new for Alzheimer's patients.

Cory LevTenDusky

1. FDA Orders Viagra to Pull 'Wild Thing' Ad
Image of monster from children's classic popping a major boner thought to be in poor taste

2. Girl Who Survived 8 Days in Car Goes Home
Man Who Survives 2 Weeks in Back of Subaru Gets Free Shoes

3. Listen up! Book tells us how
Tilt head 90 degrees to side

4. Sanitizer was 'hazard waiting to happen'
Company regrest packaging it in toothpaste tubes

5. Lowry building's unlikely new look suits it -
Extra wide doors, guest room for Cory.

6. Cornell men's basketball beats Waterloo in exhibition
Yes, but how do their SAT scores compare? What? Oh...

7. Church Child Safety Officer to Step Down
Priests slavering, rubbing palms

8. New TBS Reality Series Features Hunter
Execs could no longer ignore the mountains and mountains of Fred Dryer fan mail

9. SEC slaps Black, Radler with fraud charges
Radler's signature was found on the bad checks and black was brought in cause he was in the vicinity

10. Long Computer Use May Be Linked to Eye Disease
x-Box users breath sigh of relief

Never too eight

1.
Surprising Second Black Hole Found in Milky Way's Center
Filled with nougaty goodness.
2.
Pentagon to Cut Off Boy Scouts From Bases
Too many accidentally sent to Iraq.
3.
Man Gets Life in Ore. for Killing Family
Talk about soft on crime.
4.
FAA Probes Crash That Killed 5 in Texas
Was part of new capital punishment pilot program.
5.
Clinton Library Features Impeachment Area
Special guests allowed behind the velvet rope.
6.
Usher Sweeps American Music Awards
Custodial workers on strike.
7.
Melting Swiss Glaciers Threaten Alps - Scientist
Alps unconcerned. Valleys should watch their ass.
8.
Peru Seizes Cocaine Haul Hidden in Giant Squid
The elusive giant squid revealed at last. Sperm whale motives questioned. "Beaks my ass," says one familiar with the case.

The Dan HylTen

1. Specter Faces Debate Over Judiciary Panel
Ghostly, disembodied heads go at it in the dark, echoey recesses of our nation's hallowed courts.

2. Authorities Seek Cause of O.D.B.'s Death
Too much O.C.B.

3. Stocks to Open Higher to Continue Trend
Wall Street figures out easy way to improve economy: Simply "open higher" each day.

4. Administration Calm Despite Dollar's Woes
Also calm depite woes of Iraqis, veterans, lower-class, middle-class, factory workers, service workers, tech workers, farmers, US Military, White House domestic crew, women, blacks, Europe, and all non-human biological life on Earth.

5. Titanic Founder Fears for Future of Great Wreck
Concern over scuba divers further destroying already damaged craft. "You know," he muses, "this was really one shitty boat."

6. Egypt Hopes to Solve Riddle of Tutankhamun Death
Examining curious set of fingernail scratches on inside of saracophogus.

7. Drinking During Pregnancy Can Lower Baby's IQ
Outlook was not good for those kids to begin with.

8. Peterson Trial's Conclusion Leaves Void
With no one else having been murdered in this country for the last three years, press confused, unsure what to do.

9. Ads Back Schwarzenegger for President
Incredible rise to governorship in CA and possible Presidential bid; is it for real, or just another of Quaid's trips to the folks at Total Recall?

10. Sun to Give Out Operating System for Free
Solar system rejoices at latest announcement regarding their future warmth, heat.

Seven in the oven

1.
Authorities Seek Cause of O.D.B.'s Death
Considering age, hygiene, and general dislike among factors likely to have caused death.
2.
Cheney Health Scare Just a Cold, Wife Says
Cheney blames Kerry, al Qaeda.
3.
U.S. Says Death Sentences Hit 30-Year Low
Bush vows to create culture of death.
4.
Trial Linking Professor to Terror Delayed
Accused of poisoning coconut creme pies.
5.
Blair to Urge End to Trans-Atlantic Rift
Marianas Trench to be filled in.
6.
Iran Agrees to Full Nuclear Enrichment Freeze
Explains unnatural blue color.
7.
Artifacts Found Near Texas Coast
Include huge belt buckle, hat ring.