a few

1-Watch a swim suit model get her body painted.
OK.

2-Stocks flash red
Sulu in trouble for slow response

3-Find out which celebs were born on Leap Day
Find out that people who care are buying perfume at Walmart

4-Witness: Spat with a stranger, then 50 shots
Nothing brings people together better than whiskey

5-Mysteries of Venus Solved
Mood swings due to lack of arms, not hormones

6-Larry King stiffs Janet Jackson in ‘dance’
Jackson: “It felt really nice.”

7-Volkswagen to debut car with amazing mileage
Buyers unlikely to be interested due to amazing mileage

Me neither...but what the hell...

1. CEO says Victoria's Secret is too sexy
Millions of teenage boys beg to differ.
2. 'American Idol' cuts 4 more contestants
No longer satisfied with verbal abuse.
3. Bush says US not headed into a recession
Finally revealing that all the times he says US, he is referring to himself.
4. Teen son arrested in Ga. deputy shooting
Violence in America correlated to listening to Time Pieces by Eric Clapton.
5. Study finds disparity in civics classes
Directly linked to teacher's involvement in coaching.

I don't really have time for this...

1. Facing Default, Some Walk Out on New Homes
Thinking "they'll never find me" while forgetting the six hours of worth of paper trail they left at the closing.
2. Harry Withdrawn From Afghanistan
While hairy remains the rage in Afghanistan
3. Researchers Unlock Secret of How Bats Fly
Flappy web-like skin under their armpits.
4. Obama Volunteers Trained in Organizing
Deploy to 'California Closets' kioks in malls, worldwide.
5. Poll: Broad Support for Requiring Health Coverage
Snarky findings from the Mel Sharples Institute.
6. Pew Poll Holds Good News for McCain, Obama
Those who use pews likely to sit this one out.
7. Clinton counts on women for comeback
Predicts bit year for The Bangles, En Vogue.
8. McCain says 100-year remark distorted
100-year remarks back into the political dialogue for first time since Kerry campaign.

Some

1. NY Philharmonic bridges 2 Koreas
Oblivious to lack of river or other geographical impediment.
2. Questions linger in Florida blackout
"Where the fuck is my flashlight!" being at the top of the list.
3. Bloomberg: I'm not running for president
Breaks promise of moderation, takes extreme stance.
4. Bush honors baseball champs
Satisfying his one original interest in running for president.
5. Pavlik outpoints Taylor in rematch
In World Rudeness Championship.