Because I must...

1. China extends ban on foreign cartoons
Headline writer continues ban on all cartoons.
2. Crew member missing from cruise ship
Accidentally slipped and fell in late night buffet.
3. Jailed Kansas doctor in pain pill storm
Even the irony is painful.
4. Schwarzenegger's lottery idea questioned
Proceeds were to finance Terminator 5.
5. McCain cruises to Wis. win, faults Obama
Apparently would have lost if not for Obama.
6. Critics question FCC plans for Rural TV
24 hours of Blue Collar Comedy Tour likely violates Geneva Conventions.
7. Zimbabwe annual inflation over 100,000 percent, official figures
An already crowded Africa struggles to make room.
8. Colts slap franchise tag on Dallas Clark
Slap 'Kick Me' tag on Peyton Manning.
9. 76ers close to extending Cheeks
Collectively learning to play the trumpet.
10. UNC's Williams miffed by Coach K remarks
Will sit quietly on the sidelines brooding.

a few

Agency Orders Largest Recall of Ground Beef
Agency Head's Plastic Mask Torn Off to Reveal Face of Burundi PM

Newman Foils Stewart and Wins Daytona
Stewart the (Former) Mayor of Daytona and a Terrible Poker Player

Allen and James Lead Eastern Conference to Win
On 30th Anniversary of Their First Platinum Release

Doing Business The Hard Way In India's Wild East
$10 in McDonald's Gift Certificates for Opening New Checking Account

Old Clinton Ties and Voters’ Sway Tug at Delegates
Bill Himself Responsible for Majority of the Tugging

Before Killing, an Obsession to Find Mother
For That Is Who He Intends to Kill

Keep It Simple, Says Yale’s Top Investor
He's From Yale. 'Stupid' is Implied.

Triumph Is Pick of Online Voters
He's a Black Guy with a 13-Inch Dick

Huckabee’s Island Getaway
Mystic Island, if He Wants to Reach Likely Supporters

A Big-Time Injury Striking Little Players’ Knees
Tonya Harding's Five Year Old Begins Tee-Ball

Sugar Refinery Had Prior Explosion
During VIP Visit By Sonny, the Cukoo Bird

In Washington State Vote, Relevance Is an Issue
Anticipating this, Edward & Romney Bowed a Week Ago