Nein ich vogen da reuben

1. Crocker stands in way of Phelps making history
Crockett stands in way of Tubbs making lieutenant.
2. Bush accuses Russia of 'bullying and intimidation'
By Russia, he means Cheney.
3. Georgia men claim hairy, frozen corpse is Bigfoot
Yeti throws investigators off trail.
4. Group says life not improving for tent camp Iraqis
Darkness finds men stacked like cordwood, seeking each other's warmth.
5. Dougherty snatches share of SAS Masters lead
Local elderly woman world class judge of sass.
6. Stallone explores Soviet roots with vodka deal
Roots limited to cinematic fight with Ivan Drago.
7.McCain, RNC report $96 million cash on hand
Take turns rolling cigars with $100 bills, laughing.
8.Salmonella outbreak winds down; questions remain
"Jesus! Are you all right in there?"
9.Older Adults Reluctant to Question Surgical Treatment
Older adults reluctance to question authority goes way back.
10.

Ate

1. China’s Yang Grabs Elusive Gold
Tossed to him, in a bag, by Jackie Chan, who proceeds to kick him in the crotch.

2. Arkansas Suspect Quit Job on Day of Killing
Bodes poorly for "Reason Left Last Job" on next employment application.

3. In a Generation, Minorities May Be the U.S. Majority
An in this simple statement, the anscestor of Kirk immobilizes the anscestor of NOMAD

4. Downtowns Across the U.S. See Streetcars in Their Future
They will be the next exhibit over in the History Museum

5. Visual Science: The Genetic Map of Europe
Hairy in the South, pale in the East, and fresh-faced in the NorthWest

6. Madeleine Albright Urges Rice To Visit Russia
A closer look reveals what turns out to be simply a Madelein Albright mask. Mysterious impostor then urges Beef to visit Burundi.

7. NRA to Montana: Obama a threat to gun owners
Though not so nearly as much as the reverse.

8. McCain: US must reevaluate relations with Russia
American public wistful for the 90s, when our commander in chief could be expected to explore "relations" with Russia.

Googlate

1. Obama opposes Bush endangered species proposal
Supports endangered species.
2. Best Buy's iPhone Deal Is Blow To Hopes Of RadioShack Win
Radio Shack's monopoly on overpriced gadgets threatened.
3. Analyst sees Lehman writing down $3 billion more
Wonders where he got the giant check ledger.
4. Obama's Boomer Strength
Eloquence extends to NFL color commentary.
5. Burger King does not want its employees to take baths
Flame broiling provides all the hygiene anyone could want.
6. Federer avenges Olympic defeat
Destroys Beijing.
7. Many Hispanics Shut Out of US Health Care System
Many don't live here.
8. Batman won't catch "Titanic"
Batboat lacks time machine.

One One Tenor

1. Police focus on two suspects in theft of SUV, baby
You know conomic times are bad when ghost of Frank Sinatra takes up gig as Star Tribune beat reporter.
2. U.S. soccer team stumbles
Prompting Yankee Owner George Steinbrenner to Fire Manager Lou Pinella
3. Pound of cyanide found in room where man died
But authorities have still not linked these two seemingly unrelated phenomena.
4. Survey finds new fear factor - drivers texting a lot
Most alarming is the frequency with which the message is "Ahhhhhhh!"
5. Best Buy gets a piece of the iPhone action
Tricks potential customers with an impromptu game of "Fizzbin"
6. In Soccer, Nigeria Sends U.S. Men Packing
Image of soccer players "packing" doing very little to diminish US stereotypes about the sport.
7. Hagel as Obama veep draws concern from both sides
Though not nearly the concern as when, 100 years ago, presidential candidate Taft nominated Bagel.
8. Whose Troops Are Those In Georgia?
Your mama's!
9. Scientist Charged With Trying To Kill Americans
GOP adopts party platform for national convention
10. Gems of the Ring, Guarded by a Professor in Boxing Gloves
Who is no threat to take The Gems of the Ring for his own, due to the wearing of boxing gloves.

Don't fear the four

1. Russian convoy heads into Georgia, violating truce
Infuriating local sheriff.
2. Spaceship Could Fly Faster Than Light
May do Kessle run in less than 12 parsecs.
3. ACT scores down, but more students college-ready
Alcohol tolerance up, sexual inhibitions down.
4. Chrysler to invest $1.8B in Detroit factory
Hopes to reinvigorate once dominant Motown label.