Ten again

1. Bush defends tumultuous terms in farewell speech
Entire broadcast devoted to the words 'newkular' and 'Ahmadidnajod'.
2. Birds in Both Engines May Have Brought Down Jet
Apparently not better than either two in bush OR one in hand.
3. New light on Mars methane mystery
Rovers powered by 'cheesaritos'.
4. Citibank wins judgment against Ed McMahon
Giant checks no longer honored at most branches.
5. Titans coordinator Schwartz to coach 0-16 Lions
Childhood dream of large salary/low expectations achieved.
6. NASA to fly unmanned drone for science research
Entirely missing the point.
7. Bitter cold hits hard because of economic meltdown
Fewer 'benjamins' to burn for warmth.
8. Victoria Cross awarded to Australian soldier
Was hoping for Victoria Beckham.
9. Review: Blockbuster's $99 video box disappoints
Only plays Big Momma's House 2.
10. Bush: 'This is a moment of hope'
Hope we never elect anyone as shitty as you again.

Friendship...More?!?

1. Insurer UnitedHealth To Pay $350M For Settlement
Far more willing to pay for settlements than dental implants, apparently.
2. Thais 'leave boat people to die'
Boat people, with rudderbutts and clumsy oar-arms, had deck stacked against them from start.
3. Czechs apologise over toilet image in spoof EU artwork
T-Clog yet to apologise for multiple college-era toilet images due to his inexlicable "open door policy"
4. Homeland Security nominee pledges improvements
Home improvements. Mask ripped off to reveal none other than former Alaska Senator Ted Stevens.
5. Bush highlights foreign policy record as term ends
Using infamous "black sharpie hilighter"
6. Salmonella Outbreak Leads To Peanut Butter Recall
At least one Minnesotan willing to take his chances.
7. Sen. Dodd: Bailout Money Must Go To Specifics
Indie band from Connecticut trying to raise money for a used van
8. Obama's Inaugural Speech, Crafted By Predecessors
Plans to deliver Gettysburg Address. Hopes no one will notice.
9. Chinese Electric Car Jolts The Competition
Literally. Would have come in handy during drag race scene in Grease.
10. Ex-Cop Charged With Murder In Transit Shooting
The original "ex-cop who doesn't play by the rules"

Gary Seven

1. Lilly Said to Be Near $1.4 Billion U.S. Settlement on Drug
Which stunted growth of young Eddie's fangs
2. The Caucus: Shinseki’s Second Act
Recent order of "several hundred thousand" pancakes at Dennys leaves many feeling a bit dillillusioned.
3. White House: Audiotape shows bin Laden is isolated
Beyond reach of digital recording technology.
4. Agriculture Dept. nominee to push food for poor
Through drive-through wnidow at McDonalds, after he gets rejected
5. Unemployed Without Benefits: A Couple's Struggle
Unemployed With Benefits: A Couple's Dream
6. Obama-Mania Hits D.C.
Rampant looting, fines for being white that Palin rally-goers feared.
7. Blackstone Executive Is Charged
Woman actually sawed in half

Ocht

1. Clinton vows smart mix of diplomacy, defense
Smooth talking, condoms. Not that Clinton.
2. Israeli envoy plans 'decisive' talks in Egypt
With the waiter, about getting the reuben.
3. Russian gas to Europe 'blocked'
Despite years of disuse, Flatulent Curtain holds strong.
4. Stanford creates 100 mln dlr energy research center
Tight budget does not allow waste, even in regards to the alphabet.
5. Bureaucrat's cooking trip sparks outcry
Burundi ambassador visits Steak and Shake, skips the shake.
6. Bush says he leaves with `good, solid record'
Early educational failure leaves Bush lacking clear understanding of 'good'.
7. Not just a dream: Obama sparks black men to action
Fox News headline sparks terror in hearts of racist America.
8. Obama team urges delay in digital TV transition
Months on the campaign trail leaves them standing stunned with their rabbit ears.

Zeiben

1. Obama names special watchdog for federal spending
The always vigilant McGruff.
2. Hundreds of Coal Ash Dumps Lack Regulation
To say nothing of Dave Asche dumps.
3. Lisa Marie Presley defends Scientology
Adding to an already large list of crackpot celebrities speaking out.
4. Seal turns hatchery into all-you-can-eat buffet
Heidi Klum not pleased.
5. Bush defends presidency in final news conference
Reminiscent of Xvarts defending their village.
6. Waves hinder search for 250 from Indonesian ferry
With Katrina out of the picture they remain uncontrollable.
7. Fla. sheriff seeks portly 'ninja' in theft attempt
Stealth comes mainly from near total lack of movement.