5 on 5

1.

Suspected George Michael Stalker Wanted
By George Michael.
2.
Shoppers Hunt for 'Black Friday' Bargains
Willing to kill for 50% off.
3.
Interest in Chess Rising Among U.S. Kids
Intrigued by the mysteries of Bangkok, Oriental city.
4.
Md. Governor Commutes Three Life Sentences
Damn this holiday traffic!
5.
Wal-Mart Clarifies Policy Regarding Unions
Even think about one and you're dead.

Black NineDay

1. Ukraine's Kuchma Calls for End to 'Revolution'
As random backwards tape loops, Yoko's incessant "Numboh nine"s drive him cowering into a heap.

2. Bush Seeks Funds for Abstinence Programs
'Big 10 Coaches' Wives' Calendar Printings Ain't Cheap

3. 3 Giants Create New Online Music Service
Unfortunately, it takes six men just to push the mouse around.

4. Exploding Cell Phones a Growing Problem
In report issued by American Association of Wil E Coyotes

5. Cell Phones Increasingly Attractive To Hackers
Leading criminal experts to believe that these hackers are most likely cyborgs, or otherwise robotic in nature.

6. Bush Issues Thanksgiving Proclamation
Thank God for Abortion and Faggots

7. Wind Industry Bids to Win Over Doubters
That failing, it will blow them over

8. NASA's Moon-Mars Initiative Harms Science: American Physical Society Report
The real motivation behind Bush's odd plan finally laid bare

9. Effectiveness of Antidepressant Unclear in Elderly
Seeming joy they get by being cantankerous giving researchers mixed messages

12 Days in September

1. Nephew: Arafat Records Inconclusive
Despite common belief that Brian Wilson can be heard in the background.

2. Camden, N.J., Named Most-Dangerous City
Mayor longs for obscurity afforded album by same name.

3. Leaks and Flooding Drain Boston's Faith in the Big Dig
Good lord! If it didn't, you'd really have to call Boston a city of suckers.

4. Former cop breaks silence
Utters cool line, then goes after the guy who killed his partner.

5. Teacher makes tech stuff fun
Class hoots and jeers his feeble attempts to log on, download anything.

6. River cleanup awash in controversy
Thanks to recent floods that ravaged a back storeroom at Paisley Park Studios.

7. Sex offender says he's a good dad
Falls back on favorite line.

8. Virginia upsets No. 10 Arizona
12 pouty, preppy Wildcats are nothing new

9. APEC Leaders Vow to Scrap Trade Barriers
Powerful, mideast Ab-Flex cartel to make odd, ineffective contraption available to all corners of the globe.

10. Eustis goes Public as Wolfe's replacement
Rising cackles abound as daughter from Momma's Family given sudden, unexpected leadership of The Pack.

11. KRAMER ON KRAMER
1984 porno

12. New Study to Compare Genetic Make-Up of Asians
Comissioned by recently thawed-out head of scientific commission from 1905.

13. Obesity a Major Obstacle to Good Sex Life
And escalators

14. So Far, Recount Shows No Problem
They should really consider using the recount methods for the original count.