A Parting Shot

1. Aftershock Hits Pakistan As Aid Pours In
Aftershave hits JBart as Drakkar Noir pours on.
2. Insect's Amazing 'Rubber' Made in Lab
By rubbing vigorously.
3. Arkansas Mother Gives Birth to 16th Child
Doing nothing for reputation of Arkansas.
4. Man Arrested on Charges of Stealing Jet
Looks freakishly like T-Clog/MT love child (really- check link).
5. New Orleans Worries About Resident Exodus
Not as worried 5 weeks ago.
6. Prosecutors Seek BTK Killer Restrictions
Demands to have it his way.
7. Ex-Refco CEO Charged With Securities Fraud
And missing that last call.
8. Iraqi Lawmakers OK Last-Minute Amendments
Original 'Field of 64' determined more honestly.
9. Democracy in Iraq could take a decade: British FM
Circa 1920.
10. UNICEF Bombs Smurfs to Highlight Plight
Whatever the reason, it was about time.

George Tennet

1. EchoStar Rolls Out Portable Media Player
Not all that portable, hence the wheels.
2. Special Forces Suicides Raise Questions
Can you really snap your own neck ala Van Dam.
3. Jet Stolen From Fla. Winds Up Near Atlanta
Benny relieved.
4. Wiccan Priestess Loses High Court Appeal
Vows to get revenge.
5. Turkish Co. Signs Power Station Deal
They're going to multiply....yeah they're gonna do it.
6. Hoping to solve mysteries of TV universe
Major networks programming more like black hole than white dwarf.
6. Good News for Steelers' Roethlisberger
He gets paid millions of dollars to do what he'd do for free.
7. Katrina May Affect New Orleans' Wildlife
Even the birds have grown gills.
8. World Helpless Against Assaults of Nature
Decide to offer human/animal sacrfiices to appease her.
9.Fish may aid fetal brain development
Specifically, The Amazing Mr. Limpett.
10. Most travelers do not need hepatitis booster
Would like jet pack.

Serpentnine

1. Bush Pitches in With Gulf Coast Rebuilding
Holds hammer two inches from head, refers to bolts as screws, repeatedly engages power tool emergency shut-offs.

2. Reese's Theme Park Photog Charged
With getting shot of exact moment somebody's chocolate ended up in somebody else's peanut butter

3. Blue chips edge higher on IBM
Tandy execs still working feverishly, in Radio Shack break room somewhere, with 'plan to get back in the game.'

4. Saddam may get the chance to cast a ballot
Will subsequently receive 99.999997% less votes this time around

5. EchoStar Rolls Out Portable Media Player
When he should be out fighting interstellar crime

6. Stevie Wonder Returns to the Studio
While trying to walk home from the studio

7. GOP's Mehlman Defends Outreach to Blacks
To GOP

8. Corps Finishes Pumping Out New Orleans
Corpse finishes slumping out of New Orleans

9. Computer-aided mammography improves tumor detection
Thanks to computers, millions of men becoming breast-experts as we speak

Cat and Nine Tails

1. Bush Sees Locals Leading Gulf Rebuilding
Points at them and smirks.
2. Subject of Taped Beating Says He Was Sober
Wishes he was drunk.
3. One Dead When Train Rams Truck in Texas
And we can be certain it wasn't the engineer.
4. Delay Sought in S. Africa Corruption Trial
Corrupt on at least two continents.
5. Russian Spacecraft Returns From 7-Day Trip
Drunk. Again.
6. Calif. governor signs bills aimed at sex offenders
A veritable kick in the crotch to sex offenders.
7. Urine test spots chlamydia in male teens
Urine spots precede tests in certain teen males.
8. Mental Illness Behind Self-Harm Often Undiagnosed
All too common cases of Gottawakaphobia plague society.
9. New SIDS Policy Recommends Pacifiers
Not The Pacifier, with Vin Diesel.

Elevender

1. Hungry Pakistanis Wait for Quake Relief
It's their stomachs that are a quakin'.
2. Insurgents Launch Pre-Referendum Attacks
Starting in 2003.
3. Luongo Leads Panthers Over Islanders 3-1
Islanders stood little chance against tree climbing panthers and of course, all that water.
4. Specter: Miers Will Be Grilled on Issues
Specter: Miers dishes will float through the air.
5. Vince Weakens Further Over Atlantic Ocean
In flight movie, Wedding Crashers, getting very predictable.
6. The Golden Age is at Hand; New Gold Plated MegaChi Pendant with White Light is Now More Life Enriching Than Before
Order now get second Gold Plated Mega Chi Pendant with White light for half price.
7. Site Seeks Veterans' Stories
Site run by Tom Brokaw.
8. PM of Pakistani Kashmir says he rules a graveyard
Only the coming of dawn can vanquish the horrible night.
9. Bush Stresses Recovery in New Orleans
No matter what you ask him.
10. Wis.-Based Group to Run Stem Cell Bank
In return for beer.
11. Oil-rich countries tap into new political power
Not sure why it took them so long.

Tenlaccio

1. Evacuee benefits differ by state
Benefit of evacuees in South Dakota, for instance, is that they won't stay

2. Mistake Leads to 29-Cent Gas Price
Mistake led to birth of 50-cent

3. Engineers Probe Cause of Levee Failure
Rain kept fallin'

4. Father of U.S. Cavalry Gets Hero's Burial
Not on an Sioux reservation, he doesn't

5. Historical society honors Bob Brown
Hysterical society honors Bobby Brown

6. Former "Talking Head" turns factory into instrument
Former Supersonic turns "instrument" into factory

7. Rare Pangolin, Seized From Tourist, Dies
Rare pantaloon, seized from tourist, dyes

8. Ala. Church Youth Swallow Live Goldfish
Proving that similarities between Alabama church youth and box turtles don't end with brain size

9. Australia dinosaur fossils head back to China
After eating scientist, museum guard, annoying reporter, and black guy

10. Rice leaves on Central Asian tour
Rice loaves on Central Asian menu

Ninelingus

1. Dallas Minister Seeks Prayers for Miers
After God denies prayers for nominee he can respect.
2. Va. Governor Candidates Clash in TV Debate
Employing Rock'em Sock'em Robots.
3. Clinton Inducted Into Women's Hall of Fame
Bill, of course.
4. Police: Naked teen tried to siphon gas
To provide fuel for lighting farts.
5. Wife tried for stabbing her husband, a prominent psychologist
Who loves oranges.
6. Bank of Italy chief to face prosecutors Mon-source
Not soft and cuddily - MonChiChi source.
7. At 30, Microsoft Grapples With Growing Up
No longer cool to be operated out of parents garage.
8. Blog subscribers seek out small universe of sites
Oliopolis, Headlines and Piece of Cheese not among them.
9. Bush plan for flu crisis shows U.S. not ready -NYT
Bush to appoint imaginary friend to head up preparedness.