Serpentnine

1. Bush Pitches in With Gulf Coast Rebuilding
Holds hammer two inches from head, refers to bolts as screws, repeatedly engages power tool emergency shut-offs.

2. Reese's Theme Park Photog Charged
With getting shot of exact moment somebody's chocolate ended up in somebody else's peanut butter

3. Blue chips edge higher on IBM
Tandy execs still working feverishly, in Radio Shack break room somewhere, with 'plan to get back in the game.'

4. Saddam may get the chance to cast a ballot
Will subsequently receive 99.999997% less votes this time around

5. EchoStar Rolls Out Portable Media Player
When he should be out fighting interstellar crime

6. Stevie Wonder Returns to the Studio
While trying to walk home from the studio

7. GOP's Mehlman Defends Outreach to Blacks
To GOP

8. Corps Finishes Pumping Out New Orleans
Corpse finishes slumping out of New Orleans

9. Computer-aided mammography improves tumor detection
Thanks to computers, millions of men becoming breast-experts as we speak