Ninely Featured Headlines

1. Search for Bodies Ends in New Orleans
FEMA really sucks. Search for bodies should have started in New Orleans

2. Graham Sees 'Revival' for New Orleans
Teams of clerics dispatched to deal with sudden, new aqua-zombie threat

3. Head-on collision
School bus driver regrets decision to run down Heckel.

4. Bard of St. Paul bows out
Town in inescapable loop of electing turncoat Democrats; no room for archer-heroes with noble lineage.

5. U.S. Millionaire Floats Into Space Station
Black coattails borne upon solar winds; though head ultimately cusioned from collision by top hat

6. DeLay: Indictment 'Abomination of Justice'
Everyone else: Indictment of 'Abomination of Justice'

7. Cheney Returns to Work With a Cane
Cheney only top hat away from being "The Penguin"

8. Kim Jong Il Could Soon Name His Successor
Legion of Doom's Black Manta

9. B.C. teachers' union says Liberals used legislative hammer to punish teachers
Judge was left pounding the bench with fist

10. Bush Preparing for Greenspan Successor
Probably the wisest decision he has made in entire term of presidency.