Jesus Christ Church of Latter Day Eights

1. Six Africans Killed in Clashes at Enclave
Six Henchmen Killed in Clashes at Batcave

2. Hotel Chain Asks Katrina Evacuees to Leave
Assumes, because of group's name, that's simply what they do.

3. 2 Strategies on Policing Homeless
Both of them involve ending of "house arrest"

4. Seminar on Errors in Early Maps
Due to primitive coordinate systems, notations on where "be wilde beasts" often way, way off.

5. Testaverde becomes Jets starter (AP)
Stabbed by Puerto Rican right wing from San Jose Sharks

6. Picture Purr-fect
Writer of grade-school valentines reads headline and exclaims "ooh, ooh, where's my pen?"

7. Pastor Gets Unwelcome Supply of Viagra
Indirectly

8. Arm amputees rely on old devices
Having stumps fitted with stone knives