Seventh Day Headlinist

1. Researchers Reconstruct 1918 Flu Virus
Quickly regret it as phlegm begins to pour from every orifice.
2. High Court Weighs in on Assisted Suicide
Plan to intentionally miss next state of the union and fill chamber with poison gas.
3. Survey: 3 In 10 Students See Bullying
1 in 10,000 see ghosts of bullies.
4. Witness: 'Intelligent Design' Used in Book
Binding on the left, words running left to right, now that's intelligent design.
5. Counties Switch to Biodiesel School Buses
Bus fuel/greasy cafeteria food a match made in heaven.
6. New gym strategy boosts overweight kids' health
Making the fat fuckers run.
7. Pastor Gets Unwelcome Supply of Viagra
Decides to make the best of it.