All I got

1. Two Burmese survive month at sea in an ice box
Whereabouts of third man remain unknown. Survivors surprisingly plump after ordeal.
2. Left engine of US Airways jet still missing in NYC
Last seen drunk near Times Square.
3. Wall Street points to moderately higher opening
That window on the second floor.
4. Obama freezes salaries of some White House aides
"What! You never mentioned that before!" screamed an incredulous Rahm Emmanuel.
5. Elusive search for Kruger crocodile die-off baffles scientists
The ghost of Steve Irwin wreaks his horrible revenge.
6. Like never before, inauguration experienced online
In window, next to larger windows of porn, fantasy football, Facebook.
7. Bollywood meets Kung Fu
Gets its ass kicked.
8. NYC interactive visitor center unveiled
Heavily accented and abrupt woman sitting behind a table covered in brochures. Willing to answer many questions, just don't push her.