Six of One Kind, Half Dozen of the Other

1. Tsang resigns to run for top HK post
Logical.

2. Indiana executes man who wanted to donate liver
"Anyone else out there wanna be a hero???"

3. Mars Rover Spirit Finds Wet, Violent Past
Having crashed, happens to look inside old, buried underwear at Easton Ave residence.

4. Reality Show Will Find New INXS Singer
Micheal Hutchence wishing he could kill self again.

5. Hardcore teddy banned from bear parade
Alas, teddy bare, we hardly knew thee.

6. Women already see combat
And if they were in their teens back in the early 80s, they may have PLAYED Combat.

Episode 5 - The Return of the Headlines

1.
Senate Clears Way for Owen's Confirmation
Baby Luke to be safe on Tatooine.
2.
Bar Tabs Going Up As States Tax Alcohol
Cantina band hidden casualty of lower bar patronage.
3.
'Star Wars' exerts force in earthly politics
Dark side still shrouded.
4.
Senators Who Engineered Deal Aim for Trust
Illiterate Gungan among them.
5.
Study finds international adoptees better adjusted
Turn out better than children torn from their mother who later witness them die.

Just for Six

1. Crestor concerns weigh on AstraZeneca
Cavity Creeps on the move again

2. Nearly 1 in 10 Ga. Deaths Obesity-Related
State's Board of Health begins new: 'More Daisy Dukes, Less Jefferson Davis Hoggs' campaign

3. Brazil clones calves, says to help endangered species
"If we don't act now, the magestic cow may be lost forever!"

4. PM tours tiger reserve, vows to protect them
Devises plan to feed them "god-damned old people"

5. Eminent scientist says Australian farmers should leave the land
And become sailors

6. Whistleblowers Gain Respect in Japan
Now held in esteem formerly reserved only for cymbal-crashers, triangle dingers.

Sweat ten to the oldies

1.
Common Sense Moves Could Protect Privacy
Lock the door and close the blinds.
2.
Next church-state dispute: 'In God We Trust'
Opponents point to floods, plagues versus Jesus as evidence.
3.
Defense Says America West Pilots Not Drunk
Stoned. Duh.
4.
Workers at Coke Bottling Plants Strike
Marketers open 'Drawer B' bring out Coke Flat.
5.
Editor: Drug Firms Don't Disclose Enough
Most drugs increase risk of anal warts - too terrible to imagine.
6.
Fox Accepts Invite From Black Leaders
Thanks Elizabeth, Lamont.
7.
Bush Returns From Michigan With New Saddle
Not even the horse he rode in on could put up with his bullshit.
8.
Israel, Arabs agree to save Dead Sea
At least 2000 years too late.
9.
Creation Museum Sparks Evolution Debate
Spark fizzles, is snuffed out by deluge.
10.
Obesity Ups Risk for Colon, Throat Cancers
Cancer apparently caused by overuse.

The Old 8 & Switch

1. Overseas RN hunt drops off
Casting of "Swedish Nurse Nipple Brigade" Nears Completion.

2. WRESTLING FOR JESUS
Surpasses NASCAR in popularity (and pronounced "Rasslin")

3. Today is judgment day at the Capitol
Explains why they've been governing like we will have no future.

4. Inside Dish: Gonzaga's Morrison working on expanding shooting range
Painful reality: Without accurrate outside shooter, Gonzaga fucked.

5. Breast Implant Maker Accused of Cover-Up
Covering-Up: The Kiss of Death in the World of Breast Implants

6. Schwarzenegger School-Funding Deal Eyed
Rider Attached to Deal: All Grade Schools to Be Assigned Kindergarten Cop

7. Mom Helps Nab Alleged Internet Predator
Even manages to first utter, "You're one ugly son of a bitch."

8. Anheuser-Bush looks to JibJab to boost beer sales
Jar-Jar's Bawdy Younger Brother, a Party Icon Throughout the Galaxy