One to grow on...

1. NY Gov. Spitzer resigns amid sex scandal
Briefing room filled with rapidly discarded clothing as reporters engage in various aspects of mutual pleasure.
2. Plane flies too close to Capitol in D.C.
Comes within reach of the very angry Dick Cheney.
3. Kevorkian plans congressional run
Hoping to work his magic on 'imposed' term limits.
4. Analysis: Democrats do delegate math
Republicans believe math is tool of the devil.
5. EPA smog rule near
Will cover the earth in hazy despair.
6. Accountant loses 300,000 pound grape lawsuit
Not a good accountant, as grape was in fact only 3000 pounds.
7. E-voting is for beer-swigging, porn-loving youths: Polish ex-PM
Who now polls poorly among the beer-swiggin porn-loving demographic.

or
Now under investigation for running illegal alcohol and porn distribution ring.

8. Chinese promoters riled by Bjork outburst
Apparently had not listened to any Bjork albums.
9. XM Radio to launch George Strait channel
Causing Sirius to rescind merger offer.
10. Sonya Hartnett wins large book prize
Remains frustrated as it does not fit through her door, let alone on her mantle.
11. Hemingway letters uncover family ties
Including screenplay for pilot episode.

Just can't let them go.

1. 'Gilligan's' Mary Ann caught with dope
Bob Denver's death ruins all jokes involving Gilligan and Maynard G. Krebs.
2. Restraining order against Moss dropped
AFC defenses will need to find another way to stop him.

Ten to see

1. Federer beats Sampras in MSG exhibition
Not likely to face each other again until the Yellow #5 Cup.
2. Vatican updates its thou-shalt-not list
Now to include 'thou shalt not Google thyself'.
3. McCain advisers lobbied for Airbus
Hoping for Straight Talk Express to have wings.
4. Accident ruins 800-lb. man's date
Not even clean underpants were going to salvage this one.
5. AP probe finds drugs in drinking water
Effectively ending the chronic dehydration problem.
6. `Redneck Shop' creates dispute in S.C.
Mostly concerning how soon we can get there.
7. Obama ridicules notion of VP slot
Worried about being exposed to that much Cheney.
8. Bush: Cheney to press for Mideast peace
By immediately resigning.
9. Leonard Cohen announces first tour in 15 years
Counselors will be available following each show.
10. 'Girls Gone Wild' boss heads to Florida
The Serengeti of Wild Girls.