Bryan Adams and Almost Seven

1. Milosevic Spends a 4th Birthday in Custody

That's why he turned out so twisted

2. Bush's Nephew Campaigns in Mexico
Even dumber than Bush

3. AP: Kids Left in Africa Begged for Change
Joined Bono, Tutu in call for economic sanctions against South Africa

4. SEC Changes to 8-K Likely to Add Fillings
As it is the SEC, those are likely to be gold fillings

5. Brazil Tribe Has Great Excuse for Poor Math Skills
Waterloo Tribe Has Great Excuse for Poor Western Cultures Skils

6. San Diego Zoo's Panda Celebrates Birthday
In custudy, like Milosovec

Hans Blix Six

Al-Sadr rebuffs delegation
Now shinier than ever.

Two Camp Counselors Found Slain in Calif.
In weird love pact, double suicide. Found spooning.

Ga. Science Museum to Suspend Operations
Science in Georgia now outlawed.

British canoe pair lose out
Unable to successfully navigate the 'sluice' at Brookside Park.

Woman being treated for brain-wasting condition dies
Unable to get her to stop watching The Bachelor

High Intake of Linoleic Acid May Cut Cancer Risk
Or maybe it won't.

9 is Fine

Hamm Wins All-Around With Amazing Comeback
Turkee, Beeph not able to withstand the other white meet.

Children Cope With Boredom After Charley
Even Playstation2 no match for dodging 2x4's and roof tiles.

Report Expected to Blame 24 in Iraq Abuse
Representatives of Fox and Keifer Sutherland stunned

YWCA Chapters Begin Adding Men to Boards
Recent diversification of YWCA takes them in new lumber direction.

Cleric Rejects Iraq Ultimatum, Aide Says
Large supply of potions of extra healing has him feeling pretty good.

Paris Hilton's Lost Chihuahua Turns Up
Climbs disoriented and hungry out of her skanky snatch

Pakistan calls on US, NATO to beef up Al-Qaeda hunt
Burundi volunteers

Judge Accused of Masturbating Resigns
Patrick Gibbons begins a new career search

Bear Passes Out After Only 36 Beers
Unable to drink in the house, his tolerance has greatly diminished

L-7 Headlines

1. U.S. Poll Firm in Hot Water in Venezuela
Earns much acclaim for keeping pole firm in hot water.

2. Bel-Air's 5-Star Bell Captain Earns a Big Tip of the Hat
Proceedings then suddenly thrown into disarray through hilarious antics of well-meaning, jive-talking kid from the streets of West Philadelphia

3. African Leaders Appeal to U.N. on Burundi
These guys need beef!

4. Colombia's Uribe Proposes Prisoner Swap
To be held from 2-4 Saturday at Apache Plaza

5. Advertisers Go Digital to Track Ads
"That's 3 ads in the last minute!" exlaims analyst as he looks up from his Casio Indiglow

6. Four Be Honored for Desegregation Efforts
two possibilities:
Achievments include bringing together those of different height, those from West AND East Waterloo
or
Statement from new NAACP director, Scotty.

7. Rival Targets Apple's iTunes Customers
New "use iTunes and we'll kill you" campaign really picking up steam

Mix Six

Bruce Hornsby Returns With New Album
Sadly, The Range has been put out to pasture

Moore Takes Stroke Honors at U.S. Amateur
Hugely fat documentarian's arteries always at the breaking point

Bush Assails Kerry on Missile Defense
Couldn't hit him with missile defense

Alaska Researchers Try to Breed Rare Ducks
Those Alaskan winters are looooooong.

Swimming Can Cause Fluid Build-Up in Lungs
Might be you're not swimming the right way

Jump in rabies cases prompts warning
Playing with raccoons not as fun as it looks.

Pick Six Headlines

1. Cruise to Star in 'War of the Worlds'
Remake of Danza's 1987 'War of the Woilds'

2. How little Hilton got hitched
Met a girl that didn't mind his zaniness; apparently went for tiny men

3. Trio Betting on 'Vegas'
"Well, that's a first...but hang on, I think we can do this" say bookies

4. Kerry Seen Cutting Spending on Missile Defense
Boba Fett working to try to find out if it includes wrist-missles. If it does, he's going straight GOP.

5. Aid begins flowing into ravaged Florida
Kool-Aid man arrives on scene, straight through last remaining wall in Sarasota, annoying residents to no end.

6. Benefits Seen in Earth Observation Data
So remarks nerd as bully grinds his face into the dirt.

7. Researchers Develop Method to Find Algae
They hook their scientific equipment to the end of Gibbons' line

A tidy dozen

Hurricane Survivors Wait for Water, Gas
As do survivors of Pedro's Burrito del Diablo

Delegates Urge Al-Sadr to Leave Shrine
Take away his fez and little car

Jackson Squares Off With Prosecutor
In remake of Beat It video

Bikes Bring Internet to Indian Villagers
Google's bike messengers fastest among search engines

Crews Battle Northern California Blaze
2 Live Crew and Cutting Crew

From North to South, Nev. Drought Deepens
Apparently it is possible to be dryer than the desert

Girl With Cerebral Palsy Fights for Rights
Cousin Blair and her friends Tootie and Natalie help out too.

Once-Conservative Ore. City Edges Leftward
Part of super-villain plot to push Democrats into the sea

Insurers Begin Tallying Charley Losses
Little brothers everywhere tallying charlie horses

Iraq's Al-Yawer Vows Kurd Rebel Crackdown
"More! More! More!" he cried

Tropical Storm Earl Weakens Over Caribbean
forecasters not surprised - named after perennially weak Acie Earl

Favre Not Sure He Can Throw Fewer Picks
Apologizes personally to The Commissioner.

7 Headlines-a-Laying

1. Jackson Squares Off With Attorney
Attorney happens to be Alley McBeal. Both must step on scale together at prefight weigh-in, or scale won't even register.

2. Lil' Kim Says Charges Are 'Witch Hunt'
Adds, "thankfully, not a Bitch Hunt"

3. Adultery with an Old Friend
Cory finally makes it out to Terre Haute

4. 'Madden,' 'ESPN' Football Score in Different Ways
ESPN uses laptop computers. Madden takes off shoes & socks.

5. Genetic Material May Help Make Nano-Devices: Study
If we can just get the 'genetic material' to get its minds out of the gutter

6. Therapy for Leaky Bladder Improves Quality of Life
Bed-warming ability suffers

10. Health-Focused Calif. Can't Dodge U.S. Obesity Woes
US Obese can't dodge anything

6 Headlines on One Hand, Half Dozen on the Other

1. Chavez Apparently Survives Recall Vote
"Quaid" Apparently Survives Total Recall

2. Israel Weighs How to End Hunger Strikes
With Air Strikes

3. Bin Laden Trail Still Cold, Pakistan Says
Though not nearly so as that of Iceman, from the Fantastic Four

4. Inside Dish: Celtics interested in Marion
Men of Nottingham vigilantly watching the shores of England

5. NCAA looks into possible rules violations at Cleveland State, school says
School begins to question whether 1987 trip to Sweet Sixteen really worth all the years of deception, under-the-table expense

6. Inside Dish: Hodge should stay at point guard
And remain Galadriel

President Bush Tours Hurricane-Ravaged Florida
Declares Mother Nature against us, vows she will pay

Bush Plans to Cut Forces in Europe, Asia
Not all of Asia

What to Do After a Hurricane Hits
DUCK! Then swim like Mark Spitz.

Kitajima Beats Hansen in Breaststroke Duel
Even with two extra sets of hands, woman not nearly as satisfied by former teen phenoms

T. Rex Had Teen Growth Spurt, Scientists Say
Screams of Pon Far sent other Pre-Cambrian lifeforms running in terror

What's in a Name? Well, Matt Is Sexier Than Paul
Not Matt Markland

Man Drives Into Lake, Tries to Smoke Crack
Got everything backward

600 Pound Woman Dies After Couch Rescue
Couch in fair condition, expected to recover.

Strange Odor Forces Plane To Return To Logan
Sheepish grin of passenger in seat 23B noticed by nearby travellers

Ducks now ready to fly
Headline now 10,000,000 years old.

6-Million Dollar Headlines

Pope Reassures Pilgrims at France Shrine
Tells them he is fighting for the same backwards holy rules they had in the 1600s

Democracy May Be Real Winner in Venezuela
Things got so bad there that people actually voted for the ballot boxes

Greek Community in NYC Celebrates Olympics
Holds special midnight showing of season two's "Whom Gods Destroy"

Rescuers Search for Hurricane Victims
God bless those two intrepid rodents and their tiny biplane

Panel saw risk 'escalating'
Envisioned even more riches with release of Castle Risk

France Commemorates 'The Other D-Day'
Day set aside to honor freshmen everywhere