President Bush Tours Hurricane-Ravaged Florida
Declares Mother Nature against us, vows she will pay

Bush Plans to Cut Forces in Europe, Asia
Not all of Asia

What to Do After a Hurricane Hits
DUCK! Then swim like Mark Spitz.

Kitajima Beats Hansen in Breaststroke Duel
Even with two extra sets of hands, woman not nearly as satisfied by former teen phenoms

T. Rex Had Teen Growth Spurt, Scientists Say
Screams of Pon Far sent other Pre-Cambrian lifeforms running in terror

What's in a Name? Well, Matt Is Sexier Than Paul
Not Matt Markland

Man Drives Into Lake, Tries to Smoke Crack
Got everything backward

600 Pound Woman Dies After Couch Rescue
Couch in fair condition, expected to recover.

Strange Odor Forces Plane To Return To Logan
Sheepish grin of passenger in seat 23B noticed by nearby travellers

Ducks now ready to fly
Headline now 10,000,000 years old.