Pun ten to the oldies

1. IAEA: Iran Has Tons of Gas for Weapon
So does Pat Mix.
2. Longer-Term Petroleum Picture Improves
Actually an oil painting.
3. Cos. Offer Powerful Speakers for Katrina
Blaring 'When the Levee Breaks' all over the city.
4. NASA Considers Fixing Shuttle Fuel Tanks at KSC
With lunch at KFC.
5. Pentagon Finds More Who Recall Atta Intel
Give 'em big atta boy.
6. Canadians hammered at gas pumps as they head out for Labour Day weekend
The only difference between our Labor Day and theirs is the 'U'.
7. Iran says has made new atomic breakthrough
Have managed to crack hard outer shell of fiery candy.
8. Clever Whale Uses Fish to Catch Seagulls
Not so clever - could just eat the fish.
9. What Are STDs?
Fun to get, not fun to have.
10. Cystitis raises bowel disease and depression risk
A one, two punch we an all live without.

Elevened Bread

1. Congress Rushes Hurricane Aid to Bush
Bush uses aid to buy a new mountain bike, spruce upthe ranch.
2. Laser Claims To Zap Away Urge To Light Up
Newfound blindness makes you wish you were dead.
3. Fats Domino Apparently Rescued by Boat
Big boat.
4. Explosions Fill New Orleans Sky With Smoke
Trashcan Man doing his thing.
5. Blair urged to press China on Tibet
Tibet already given most of its seat to fat China.
6. Mexico's Fox Gives Last State-Of-Nation
All Mexicans have entered into a suicide pact.
7. U.S. Envoy Says Venezuela Drug Talks Start
'Senor, want some pot?'
8. Hong Kong Jury Convicts American Woman
Said get away-ay.
9. Hastert Questions Rebuilding New Orleans
Offers to rebuild it in Illinois.
10. Katrina Reignites Global Warming Debate
Republicans claim god wants us to be comfortable.
11. FEMA Head: Lawlessness Not Anticipated
Donald Rumsfeld: it's a free country, people are allowed to loot.

Retalieightion

1. German, Polish Leaders Mark Start of WWII
They've been hanging out with that Japanese soldier from Gilligan's Island

2. Papua New Guinea Police Said to Beat Kids
Disgraceful turn for recreational basketball team inevitable result of hiring new chief, T-Clog.

3. Iraq conducts first executions since Saddam ouster
Yet another sign of the promised, emerging US-styled democracy.

4. New Stamps Recall Civil Rights Struggle
Jackie Robinson from heaven: Please, no more stamps

5. EU must push Serbia, Croatia on suspects-Del Ponte
EU must push pear halves in light syrup-Del Monte

6. Bush warns against looting, gas profiteering
Then offers, as an aside to various members of administration: Present company excluded, of course.

7. Gulf relief force swells
As do reflief forces Bush sends in for Shell, DuPont.

8. EU clears GM oilseed rape for use in animal feed
GM Oilseed Rape also, coincidentally, the name of new Chevy SUV

Ten More Unanswered

1. Katrina Refugees Will Go to Astrodome
Unidome gears up for flood of refugees once Astrodome toilets fail.
2. Bush Releases Oil From Petroleum Reserve
Onto the ground, just for spite.
3. New Orleans Cops Ordered to Stop Looters
Were helping them.
4. Airlines Cancel More Flights to Miss., La.
Only seaplanes making stops.
5. Tiffany's Second-Quarter Earnings Climb
'I Think Were Alone Now - Again 2005' at #1.
6. Malaysia's Proton Reports Net Loss
Now an electron.
7. Vatican Document on Gay Priests Up in Air
Unathletic gay priests struggle to catch it in a chorus of shrieks.
8. Meteorologists: It Could Have Been Worse
TV Meteorologists: We told you it would be worse.
9. Animal Activist Gets 2 Years in Mink Case
Despite irony, quite comfortable.
10. Ancient and modern man lived side by side -study
Were part of comedy team.

Twelve Unanswered

1. Bush Cancels Vacation to Focus on Relief
Tax relief.
2. Britain Cracks Down on Violent Online Porn
Jane's Addiction reminds Britain, sex is violent.
3. Blaze Guts Apartment Complex
Former American Gladiator now doing demolition contracting.
4. N.M., Ariz. Governors Debate Borders
Not really there decision to make, now is it.
5. Detroit to Lay Off 150 Police Officers
And replace them with crime-fighting robot. Bitterness high among those affected.
6. World's Oldest Person Dies in Netherlands
Just there for the legal pot.
7. Scientist: Brazil Nearly Built Atom Bomb
Would have, if not for pressing need to build Carnivale float instead.
8. Bush: U.S. Must Protect Iraq From Terror
Rhetoric now completely off the tracks.
9. New Structure Found at Ancient Ohio Site
High in the middle and round on both ends.
10. Chinese Try to Get Chimp to Quit Smoking
Should consider not giving them to her.
11. "Hot spot" found on one of Saturn's moons
All the hottest stars are there.
12. Robotic arm can improve motor control after stroke
Can also crush the throat of your enemy.

Holding up my ten.

1. Almanac Warns of Temperature Fluctuations
Warmer during the day than at night, except in Bizarro World.
2. U.S. Training to Stop London-Style Attack
In keeping with old-school thinking, The Blitz.
3. Intelsat to Acquire PanAmSat for $3.2B
To be renamed IntelPanAmSatSat.
4. Africa's Oil Comes With Big Downside
Moves to Beverly, Hills that is, seen as unlikely.
5. Latin fans ready to dial up ringtones
Caesar's Greatest Hits top the list.
6. Hurricane Tears Holes in Superdome Roof
Not so super.
7. Starving won't make people live longer
Simply brilliant research there.
8. Obesity in America Continues to Expand
At least obese continue to expand.
9. Syphilis
Not just for Victorian's anymore.
10. Mood Disorders Often Misdiagnosed in Blacks
Generally just considered uppity.

6 the hard way

1. Kent Hits 300 HRs; Dodgers Beat Astros 8-3
Other 292 HRs called back due to bat irregularities.
2. Calif. AG Wants Warning Label on Fries
Fast food industry working on method of engraving or stamping potatoes.
3. Stripper: I thought my boyfriend was going to rob millionaire, not kill him
Judge: Well OK then.
4. Iraq Parliament Obtains Draft Constitution
Finally got around to Googling, downloading it.
5. Swayze Says 'Dirty Dancing' Endures
For him, it needs to.
6. Sean Astin Goes From Hobbit to '24' Cast
Script called for repetitive dialogue and he was the man.