Thirteen for Thursten

1. Civil War-Era Baseball Recreated in Wash.
Ken Burns creams jeans.

2. Green Sea Turtle Makes Rare Va. Delivery
Bacchus, God of Wine, dismounts and strides ashore at Newport News, bearing fruits of his Lordship.

3. Cause of Garang death unclear
No one ruling out the fireballs that were repeatedly thrown at him from beyond his range of vision.

4. Ex-WorldCom executive gets prison time
Ironically, judge rounds sentence up to next decade.

5. Walgreen moving some cold medication behind counter
Cashier's balls have been red & swollen.

6. Young Archaeologists Dig for Treasure
Unfortunately, choose to do so in Ingawanis gully.

7. Academy Mentors Young Minority Programmers
High-tech criminal teams short on token black guys.

8. NCAA Bans Indian Mascots From Postseason
Western Oklahoma Yogis launch immediate appeal.

9. And the song that changed the world is...
"Saved the Best for Last": Vanessa Williams.

10. Mentally Ill Often Victims of Violent Crime
Perpetrated by Klingons, according to them, anyway.

11. Ministry Slammed for Stem Cell Comments
Should be slammed for 1995 release: Filth Pig.

12. Cloned dog raises ethical questions of its science
Scientists initially startled, then unnerved and intimidated by its British accent.

13. Environmentalists see hope in Exxon CEO change
Don't realize former CEO just appointed Secretary of Commerce.

Ten for Sven

1. Widow of Vioxx Patient Is Pressed by Merck Lawyers
Vioxx patient's weak guard play may spell disaster in second half.

2. Ferrer and Bloomberg Trade Charges on How to Add Housing
Both right, can add houses one at a time, or a hotel right off the bat.

3. Cleric Hopes Islam Basis for Law in Iraq
Also hopes law allows nature based incantations.

4. Reds Comfort Stricken Man's Grandson
Former Red, Pete Rose, willing to bet old man doesn't live through the night.

5. Iacocca Teams With Snoop Dogg in New Ads
Apparently in a pact that would destroy any credibility either ever had.

6. Wildfires Close Montana's Interstate 90
Regret only building one road across state.

7. Girl Shot by LAPD Had Drugs in Her System
Now lead.

8. Vessel Tows Away Stranded Russian Mini-Sub
AAA in Russia offers unrivalled service.

9. Australia seeks to breed test-tube sharks
Considering shifting role in world to that of super-villain.

10. GOP: Don't Name D.C. Street for Reagan
Name the whole fucking place.

Dudley Moore, starring in....

1. Scouts Struck by Lightning in Safe Place
A Pizza Hut.
2. Doctor will stand trial for tainted blood scandal, judge rules
Soft Cell will stand trial for Tainted Love scandal.
3. Fox needs to come clean about Abdul
At long last the truth is revealed, she is computer generated.
4. 'Oedipus' Blends Comedy, Greek Tragedy
Nothing funnier than sex with your mom.
5. Seymour Feels the Love in Patriots' Camp
More than just friendly ass-slapping on liberal MA team.
6. Cowboys TE Witten Fits Parcells' Mold
Now seen floating in Jell-o with several slices of banana.
7. Manchester United Looks for New Direction
Consider calling it 'sweast'
8. Bush Holds Latin American Ally at Ranch
Forcing him to wash the dishes.
9. Crew to Track Monarch Butterflies
2 Live Crew, hitting new low.
10. al-Qaida's No. 2 Threatens London, U.S
T-Clog brought in to train bin Laden personally. Diet critical to new threat.

Pictures at Eleven (relocated)

1. All 309 Survive Plane Crash in Toronto
'They'll be no movie of the week here.'
2. Astronaut to Employ Ingenuity in Repair
Prepared for latest flight by watching episodes of MacGuyver and A-Team, now available on DVD.
3. Roberts Insists He'll Respect Precedent
Did he say president?
4. Frist Not Invited to 'Justice Sunday II'
Unevolved lack capacity to turn other cheek where stem cells concerned.
5. Blasts at Mexico Cockfight Kill Four
Poetic justice never smelled so fowl.
6. Bonds' Teammates Adjusting to His Absence
No longer hording the steroids.
7. Bush Reiterates Stem Cell Study Position
He's against them.
8. U.S. Moves Against 3 Tied to Terror Group
3 urge US to notice who their tied to.
9. State Dept. Issues Global Terror Caution
"RUN FOR THE HILLS!"
10. Heat, Humidity in Midwest, Mid-Atlantic
Would have never known it was August otherwise.
11. Relief Operations Under Way in India
Palaak paneer finally moved through system.

Zeight geist

1. Unprecedented Spacewalk Off to Good Start
They're in space.
2. Feds Says Chicago Carpenter Helped Nazis
Put up crown molding at Auschwitz.
3. King Abdullah Receives Oaths of Loyalty
From Bush administration.
4. What some of the people involved in the crash had to say:
"Get the fuck out of my way fatty!"
5. 'Lady and the Panda' about more than pandas
Presumably also involves a lady.
6. HP Drops the Rebranded Apple iPod
Little white plastic bits all over the floor.
7. Mozilla Forms Corporate Subsidiary
Mozuki.
8. Smoking, Obesity Double Trouble for Teens
Surprisingly good for everyone else.

Manic Thirtana

1. Iraq Hopes to Finish Constitution on Time
Which gives them idea. They steal Finnish Constitution.

2. Missing Prosecutor's Laptop Found in River
Local resident saw pleats breaking the surface next to a submerged log.

3. With flight plan, closed bridge no sweat
Enos holds hat on head in disbelief as orange hotrod rockets through barricade, then up & over a previously hidden natural earth ramp.

4. Mother's choice reverberates
Father tired from long day in office, no longer need to perform "husbandly duties"

5. Britain Makes Show of Force in Subways
Rocks, R2 units lifted telekinetically in first round of anti-terrorist exercises.

6. Bronchiolitis
Spent most of it's life in Mesozoic swamps, breathing raspily through airhole on top of head.

7. Fla. Steps Up Fight Against Citrus Canker
Desperate attempt to cure most painful allfiction known to man: canker sores that continuously secrete own supply of concentrated citric acid.

8. Israeli zoo in Gaza poised to evacuate animals
Including river otters gleefully frolicking and sliding around on West Bank.

9. Bacall Rips Cruise's 'Vulgar' Behavior
With face caked in vulgar levels of make-up

10. Celebs Join B.B. King for Museum Benefit
BB King, upon arriving in what he thought was banquet hall, discovers he is in small plexiglass enclosure with no exit and informative placard containing brief BB King bio pasted next to it.

11. Highlights of CMA Festival to Air on ABC
Hopefully at the early morning hours of 1, 2, or 3.

12. Simpson makes saucy 'Dukes of Hazzard' film debut
Simpson thanks goddess of "Saucy," without whom she's got nothing. Nothing.

13. Shopping With...Lucy Sykes Rellie, childrenswear designer
Coming in at #2 of the list of things that would make Dan say "Please Kill Me," following only being a member of a bridal party at the wedding of someone you hardly know.