EIGHT night headlines

1. Japan Confirms Meeting With Chinese Leader
Rest of world claims to have known that, but then sheepishly confesses that it may have thought Japan was meeting with just some other Japanese guy

2. Moussaoui Pleads Guilty in 9/11 Conspiracy
Admits to plotting Pentagon crash hoax

3. Contraceptive Sponge to Return to Market
What market really needs is sponge that is used for cleaning up a few minutes AFTER the contraceptive.

4. Florida Readies Sex Offender Bill
Go get em, Bill!

5. Sex offender disrupts his own community notification forum
Runs self out of town on rail

6. Basketball assistant leaves Oregon after 10 seasons
Guy with moustache leaves Kentucky after 10 seasons.

7. Texas Police Arrest Ex-Con in 3 Slayings
Apparently traveled backwards in time to commit the crime

8. Mars Rover Makes Movies of Dust Devils
Movies that inspire dreams within legions of Dirt Devils

Nine inch males

1.
Jackson Defense Focuses on Security Logs
Which, along with cow bones, were principal weapons of Eagle Scout Security Inc.
2.
Military Jury Convicts Sergeant of Murder
With a name like Slaughter, what chance did he have?
3.
At Conclave, A Prediction And Promise
At autoclave, much methodical spinning.
4.
Cavaliers Fire GM Jim Paxson
All those undeserved championship rings meant nothing.
5.
Pope Benedict XVI Gets E-Mail Address
Immediately inundated with porn spam.
6.
Laura Bush Touts Effort on National Parks
Efforts to strip mine them.
7.
7 Corpses Found in Ancient Egyptian Tomb
Scientists surprised to find dead bodies in tomb.
8.
Exceptional Whale Fossil Found in Egyptian Desert
Exceptionally good swimmer.
9.
Dutch Say Have First Human 'Mad Cow' Victim
Not using finger to plug hole in dike.

North Face Ten

1. Government Issues 12 New Food Pyramids
Encouraging people to consume 12 times the food considered win-win for food industries as well as gluttonous public that can't get enough of anything

2. Jurors See Photos From Past Jackson Case
Trying to figure out if same guy is on trial

3. We need cure for 'senioritis,' governors say
Begin preliminary look into plan that involves picking up trash and getting free buckets of chicken from KFC.

4. Illegal Immigration Policy Is at Crossroads in Senate
Those same foreigners you have stoked your constituents up against for the last four years also halving the price of your consumer goods.

5. White Smoke, Bells Signal New Pope Elected
White smokers, bell signals impending business for Pronto.

6. Nothing will be left to chance in Discovery's launch: NASA chief
Single most boring event in science just got boringer.

7. Doctors Warn Against Obesity in Toddlers
Warn in particular again such junk foods as pizza, fries.

8. La. Psychologists Begin Prescribing Drugs
Rather than their traditional remedies, which usually involve cousins, crawdads, chickens, or the full moon.

9. New Pope Appears, Asks World for Prayers
In for two hours, already running out of ideas

10. Accuser's Mom Says Jackson Fooled the World
Accuser's Mom Reminded that Rest of World Didn't Let Their Kids Spend Night with Man Who Owns Bones of Elephant Man