A Bunch from the Star Tribune

1. 2 more deaths possibly linked to spinach
Bluto, Wimpy found with necks broken, blunt force trauma to majority of their bodies

2. Mission accomplished, Atlantis safely home
Aquaman lies dead with trident through the heart

3. Produce farmers crafting safety plan
Involving a large, leafy net of lettuce leaves

4. Guidant lawsuit alleges offer of 'bounties’
CEO admits to wrongdoing. Adds that time has been much kinder to IG-88 than Dengar.

5. NWA's flight attendants taking dual path to job action
As chronicled in movie featuring porn star Pat Mixdorf

6. Connecting the dots
And earning "Independent Study" credit hours so you can stay eleigible to play basketball at the University of Cincinnati.

7. Power outage hits edge of downtown Minneapolis
Patron queries searches computer catalog at new library with + "VHS" + "BBC"

8. EPA issues stricter curbs on air pollution
Fine layer of dust after final word of press release which, when blown away, reveals the word "controls."

9. Pilot escapes injury when power lines snag parachute
For you see, moments earlier a crowd of crocodiles had crossed the road below.

10. Reporting potential plot was 'right thing,' Wisconsin student says
As opposed to letting goth-loners to go on killing rampage. Whiz kid student plans to study philosophy & ethics in college.

11. Police arrest 5 in 1979 killing of Michigan hotel clerk
Tom Hanks, Adrian Zmed among those accused. You can't just lock a mild mannered clerk in an elevator with an amphetamine-fueled, sex-crazed mule.

12. Thai coup leaders take over powers of parliament
Immediately lay down guns, make a mothership connection, and begin turning the funk out.

13. A 3.3-million-year-old trove of evolutionary history
Thrown out the window. Thanks, Kansas.

Damned 10

1. Feds Reassure Ashland Residents About Fumes
Residents of Ashland well advised to ignore reassurances, run like hell's wrath is behind them.
2. Dismal Philly Fed survey darkens economic view
Tasty Philly cheese-steak brightens lunch.
3. Starbucks raises prices of coffee drinks
In addition to cash and plastic, now accepting organs.
4. Palestinian PM won't recognize Israel
It's been so long.
5. Congo convenes first free parliament in 40 years
Pivotal location in Africa means it can be invaded from 3 separate countries.
6. Savage retires after 12 NHL seasons
Home filled with ears and teeth of competitiors.
7. Amazon Sees Server Problems Spread
Can't deliver IN STOCK merchandice on time.
8. Yahoo! Goes to Campus
Joins others on Harriman.
9. Hamas rebuffs Abbas
ABBA rebuffs Hammer. Where will it end?
10. German astronaut says ISS leak not bad
One who assesses it, confesses it.

8 - Eight

1. PM's warning to Hungary rioters
"No burgers unless you settle down"

2. Employees Say No to Freedom Tower
Decide to retain name "Effeil Tower"

3. New signs of cooling US economy
Frozen assets

4. Projector size of sugar cube made
If you ever need to sweeten science classroom-sized cup of coffee

5. Taleban fight 'underestimated'
And are in for a surprise of their lifetimes

6. You Are Cleared for Take Off
Bottoming out the list for worst pickup lines

7. Big Deal
What to expect when playing Texas Hold 'Em in Super Mario World

8. Gauging the Likelihood of a Photo Opportunity Not Taken
In the case of Norm Coleman, about zero percent.

Today's Ten

1. Bush says education is path to democracy
Bush's latest speech opens new front in the war on irony.
2. Roethlisberger still a question mark
After spending the weekend reenacting punctuation at a United Way function.
3. Milky Way's Formation Theory Questioned
Not thorough enough to explain nougat.
4. Unfinished Tolkien work to be published
Involves more use of eagles for almost everything.
5. Man leaves package at Supreme Court
Suspicious man dressed entirely in brown.
6. Shark that walks on fins is discovered
Lord help us all.
7. OPEC casts a dark eye on the greening of energy
The eye, lidless and wreathed in flame.
8. Belden®’s New Space-Efficient 10GX IDC System Enhances Belden IBDN System 10GX®
About fucking time.
9. Experts see slow obesity fight for kids
Fat kids not able to do anything fast.
10. Man may have sent 2 billion spam e-mails
Now undergoing treatment for carpal tunnel.