A Bunch from the Star Tribune

1. 2 more deaths possibly linked to spinach
Bluto, Wimpy found with necks broken, blunt force trauma to majority of their bodies

2. Mission accomplished, Atlantis safely home
Aquaman lies dead with trident through the heart

3. Produce farmers crafting safety plan
Involving a large, leafy net of lettuce leaves

4. Guidant lawsuit alleges offer of 'bounties’
CEO admits to wrongdoing. Adds that time has been much kinder to IG-88 than Dengar.

5. NWA's flight attendants taking dual path to job action
As chronicled in movie featuring porn star Pat Mixdorf

6. Connecting the dots
And earning "Independent Study" credit hours so you can stay eleigible to play basketball at the University of Cincinnati.

7. Power outage hits edge of downtown Minneapolis
Patron queries searches computer catalog at new library with + "VHS" + "BBC"

8. EPA issues stricter curbs on air pollution
Fine layer of dust after final word of press release which, when blown away, reveals the word "controls."

9. Pilot escapes injury when power lines snag parachute
For you see, moments earlier a crowd of crocodiles had crossed the road below.

10. Reporting potential plot was 'right thing,' Wisconsin student says
As opposed to letting goth-loners to go on killing rampage. Whiz kid student plans to study philosophy & ethics in college.

11. Police arrest 5 in 1979 killing of Michigan hotel clerk
Tom Hanks, Adrian Zmed among those accused. You can't just lock a mild mannered clerk in an elevator with an amphetamine-fueled, sex-crazed mule.

12. Thai coup leaders take over powers of parliament
Immediately lay down guns, make a mothership connection, and begin turning the funk out.

13. A 3.3-million-year-old trove of evolutionary history
Thrown out the window. Thanks, Kansas.