1. Prosecutors won't probe Madonna's act
Not like in the old days.
2. Colossal Cosmic Collision Reveals Mysterious Dark Matter
Head-on collision releases not so mysterious brown matter.
3. 2 plead innocent in Phoenix shootings
Point to perfectly healthy Phoenix as proof of innocence.
4. GM to make reborn Camaro in Canada
30 and 40 year olds with mullets rejoice.
5. Adding Insult to Injury at Northwest
Customer service employees now allowed to punch aggrieved passengers after belittling them.
6. Former Burundian president arrested
On corruption charges related to illicit, and seeming imagined, beef sales.
7. Rolling Stones Back with Bang
Can only hear loud noises.
8. Parents buy cashmere for infants and toddlers
Asshole parents.
9. Wang predicts an upwardly Mobile future
Market just needs some stimulation.

or

9. Wang predicts an upwardly Mobile future
Chung less optimistic.

10.Alaska governor could be unseated
In hilarious statehouse hijinx!
11. NASA set to resume space station construction
Contractors show up suddenly after long absence, demand money.